I'm Sorry
by ALittleBitofEverything101
Summary: Season 2 Episode 11. Merlin realizes that Morgana stole the crystal, so he goes to confront her. When she tells him she already passed the crystal on, Merlin goes to get it back. Morgana follows him and learns a lot about herself. Merlin/ Morgana. Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin.
1. Where Is It

**So, this is kind of my challenge to myself. I'm writing one fanfiction for each episode of Merlin. Some are one-shots, some are longer stories. I ran out of ideas for fanfictions so this is how I'm dealing with that. If anyone has any prompts for me, feel free to leave it in a review and if I write it after I finish writing these 65 stories, I'll dedicate it to you… so, thanks. And I give you Season 2 Episode 11.**

 **Summary: Merlin realizes that Morgana stole the crystal, so he goes to confront her. When she tells him she already passed the crystal on, Merlin goes to get it back. Morgana follows him and learns a lot about herself. Merlin/ Morgana.**

 **Story 24: I'm Sorry**

 **Chapter 1: Where Is It**

Merlin entered Morgana's chambers without knocking. It was beyond inappropriate, but he could not make himself care. A fury unlike any he had ever experienced burned through him, fueling his actions. Morgana was sitting at her table eating supper while Gwen tidied up around her chambers.

Both women look over at Merlin, horrified by his entrance. Merlin's ignored Gwen and walked straight over to Morgana so he was towering over her. "Where is it?" He asked her harshly. He knew that he must look like quite the terrifying sight. It wasn't his intention to frighten her too much, but she had gone too far.

"Where is what?" Morgana asked, doing her best to look innocent.

"Morgana," Merlin warned. "I know that you helped them. Where is it?"

"I don't know wh–" Morgana began to say. Merlin held up his hand to silence her. He turned to Gwen.

"Could you leave us for a moment?" Merlin asked her quietly. "I need to speak with Morgana alone."

Gwen hesitated before she looked at Morgana. Morgana nodded to show she would be okay. She knew what Merlin was going to say and she didn't want Gwen to overhear that. Gwen started to leave, but stopped at the doorway. "I'll just be getting your wash," she warned. "I will be back soon."

"Thank you Gwen," Morgana said. The fear was palpable in her voice.

The moment the door closed behind Gwen, Merlin turned to Morgana. "I know you helped Mordred," Merlin told her.

"Why would I help him?" Morgana asked.

An indescribable emotion crossed over Merlin's face. Morgana couldn't describe it if she wanted to. "Why are you lying to me? Arthur and Uther I understand, but I have never shown you judgement. I have never given you reason not to trust me," Merlin told her quietly. He didn't know why her dishonesty was upsetting him so much. Perhaps it was because he knew that he hadn't earned her trust, because he had never been honest with her.

"Why do you care?" Morgana asked harshly. "You don't understand what it feels like to know that everyone you know would despise you if they knew who you truly were."

"I know exactly how that feels," Merlin said exasperatedly.

"How could you know?" Morgana asked skeptically.

Merlin studied her for a moment. He had wanted to tell her for such a long time. He had wanted to help her so badly, but he couldn't ignore Gaius' warning. At least with no knowledge of magic, Morgana could feign innocence if Uther discovered her powers.

Merlin feared that she was changing though. He feared if he didn't help her learn to accept and appreciate her powers, then the witch that Kilgharrah spoke of would come to exist. The alliance between Morgana and Mordred had been foretold. It was that alliance that would give Mordred the ability to kill Arthur. If Merlin could prevent that alliance by preventing Morgana's downfall, he could save Arthur.

More importantly, Merlin was tired of lying to everyone. He could easily lie to her and fabricate some excuse to justify his earlier words, but he didn't want to. He felt an itch deep, deep down to be honest with her. It was an itch that insisted on getting scratched.

His decision wasn't an impulsive one. Rather, he carefully planned out what he should say, what could make her understand. He looked up at her. "There is something I need to tell you. I have kept this from you, because I feared that it would make life more dangerous for you. But not telling you has proven to be much more detrimental to your spirit," Merlin explained slowly. Morgana was looking at him curiously. "If you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be?"

"I just want to be accepted," Morgana whispered. She felt so weak to admit it, but it was her greatest fear. "I want people to know who I truly am and not fear me. I don't want to be alone anymore."

Gwen chose that moment to re-enter the chambers. "You can have the rest of the evening off," Morgana said in a shaky voice. She didn't look away from Merlin. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Are you sure my lady?" Gwen asked anxiously.

"I am," Morgana assured her.

Gwen shot Merlin an anxious look. She didn't believe he would do anything to harm Morgana, but she was nervous all the same. She had never seen him so angry. "No harm will come to her," Merlin promised.

Gwen nodded before she curtsied and left.

There was an awkward silence once Gwen left. Merlin turned back to Morgana. "You say that you crave acceptance, but is my acceptance not enough?" He asked her. "I have lied for you to protect you from Arthur and Uther. I know of your powers and I have been nothing but supportive. Why is that not enough?"

"Because you will never understand what this is like," Morgana said desperately. "I appreciate everything you have done for me, but you can't possibly understand what it is like to feel so utterly alone. There is no one I can talk to about this." Morgana closed her eyes, trying to stop the tears leaking from her eyes.

Merlin sighed. He knew that now was the right moment. "I'm sorry I lied to you," he said softly. He cupped his hands together and mentally prepared himself for what he was about to do. He looked at Morgana and didn't look away from her as he whispered, "blotsma."

He slowly opened his hands and watched as Morgana looked down to see what he was holding. Her eyes widened and she looked at him hesitantly. "May I," she asked softly. She motioned to the flower in his hands.

Merlin nodded and he could feel her soft hands brush his as she took the flower from his hands.

For the first time, he looked to see what he had created. He was a little impressed with himself. She held an intricate rose. He hadn't actually known what was going to appear in his hand. It could have been anywhere from a strawberry to a tree. The rose he had produced was beautiful, more beautiful than any flower he had managed previously.

Morgana studied the rose for a long moment. "It's beautiful," she said breathlessly. She went over to her end table and poured some water into her goblet. She put the rose in the goblet and admired it for a moment. "How long?"

Merlin didn't need to ask her to clarify what she was asking. He knew. "Since I was born," he admitted. "I could move objects with my mind before I could talk. I know exactly how you feel. Until I came to Camelot and met Arthur, I believed I was a monster. Arthur has given my magic a purpose."

"Why do you have so much faith in him?" Morgana asked. "You are a sorcerer, yet you follow him like a pup doing his bidding."

"Because I know what Arthur's destiny is," Merlin told her seriously. "I know that one day, he will bring magic back to this land, but he cannot do that if he is dead. I also know that by giving them that crystal, you gave them the tool to destroy Uther. Kill Uther and Arthur will never see the good in magic. You condemn our future rather than save it. And you make yourself no better than Uther. You used to be better than this."

"I… I…" Morgana looked away from him. Merlin was right. She was doing something terrible out of spite, but that made her just like Uther. "I hate Uther, but you are right. I am just as bad as him if I allow the druids to kill him. But how do I stop them? They will not give it back to me."

"Regardless, we must get it back. Where are they?" Merlin asked.

"Their camp is in the Valley of Chemray," Morgana told him. Merlin instantly spun around and began to leave. "What will you do?"

"I won't hurt them if that's what you're asking," Merlin told her. "But I will get that crystal back."

"You can't!" Morgana told him. "They'll see you as an enemy. They'll kill you."

"I don't care. I have to protect Arthur," Merlin told her. "He is my destiny." With that, Merlin walked out the door.


	2. Journey to the Druid Camp

**Story 24: I'm Sorry**

 **Chapter 2: The Journey to the Druid Camp**

Morgana hesitated only a moment before she followed him. She wasn't going to stop him, but she feared for his safety. It was a gut-wrenching fear. Because of Mordred, Alvarr trusted her, but she knew he would not grant Merlin the same chance.

Morgana thought she was being so stealthy, but the moment she was under the cover of the woods, Merlin stopped walking. "Why are you following me?" Merlin asked her without turning to face her. "If you're trying to stop me, it will not work."

"I'm not going to try to stop you," Morgana told him quietly. Merlin finally turned around to face her. "I just thought that Alvarr may be more willing to listen if he sees a familiar face."

"You still don't get it, do you?" Merlin asked quietly. When Morgana only looked at him confused, he continued. "Alvarr was willing to risk his life for this crystal. He desperately wants it. He's not just going to hand it over to us, not after everything he went through to get it. We're going to have to take it from him."

Morgana frowned, but nodded. She trusted Merlin's judgement. "I still want to help. Tell me what I can do," Morgana told him determinedly.

"You can stay out of my way," Merlin told her.

"And why should I?" Morgana demanded. She felt something deep within her stomach, a crippling fear for his safety. "Why should I just leave you to fend for yourself?"

"Because despite the faith you have in these men, I don't trust them. If things get ugly… I can't bear to know you got caught in the crossfire. If you try to follow me, I will stop you," Merlin warned her. He looked her right in the eyes. "Please, for me. Stay safe."

Merlin turned to walk away, but stopped. He turned back to Morgana and squeezed her hand once. Morgana felt a burst of warmth spread through her hand. She knew that had been Merlin's way of reassuring her, but she only felt more anxious now. A small smile made its way onto his face, one that didn't quite reach his eyes.

Merlin walked away without another word. Morgana watched him go, torn. Part of her wanted to listen to him. She knew he was right. One wrong move could cost them her life. But a bigger part of her didn't care anymore.

What was her life worth? She was constantly looking over her shoulder for fear that someone would suddenly realize that she had magic. When she went to bed, she wondered if she would wake up to another fire in her room. Every time she lost control, she waited for someone to come and arrest her. She wasn't living, she was existing. And she was tired of it.

She had made a mistake and she was going to fix it. She couldn't bear for Merlin to get hurt. The thought of it made her chest tighten. Morgana walked as quietly as she could. She knew where she was going better than Merlin did so she arrived at the camp just minutes after him. She got as close as possible without being seen.

She peered through the thick foliage to see what was happening when she heard the sounds of a scuffle. Merlin was being dragged out of a tent and was fighting against the two guards that were holding him. Clutched in his hand was something covered with a piece of burlap. Morgana knew what it was. It was the crystal.

"Why are you here? Why did you take this?" Alvarr asked. Morgana winced. If Alvarr had not been here, Merlin might have managed to feign ignorance, but Alvarr would recognize him. Merlin clutched the crystal like a lifeline and Morgana knew that no one would manage to take it from him. Not while he was still alive.

"I was looking for money. I haven't enough to provide for my younger sister and she's awfully hungry," Merlin lied.

"Don't lie to me boy. You are Arthur's serving boy. Now tell me. What are you doing here?" Alvarr asked dangerously.

Merlin looked right at Alvarr. "I'm saving my master," he said in an even voice.

"Honorable intentions," Alvarr said. "That should ease your mind before we kill you."

Alvarr unsheathed his sword, but paused as Merlin began whispering under his breath. For several minutes he whispered, his words blending together because he was speaking so quickly. Then suddenly Merlin was engulfed by a bright blue light.

Morgana looked down to shield herself from the light. When she looked back up, it didn't look like anything had changed.

"What did you do with it?" Alvarr asked.

"I hid it. It's somewhere you will never find it," Merlin warned.

"That's impossible," Alvarr told him. "That crystal is protected by ancient magic. No one is powerful enough to get past that."

"I am," Merlin told him. Morgana's jaw nearly hit the ground. She had known about Merlin's magic, but she had never guessed that he was that powerful. She realized that he must have known about Mordred finding her because of his powers.

"Where did you send it?" Alvarr asked. His face was red with anger. Chills ran down Morgana's back. Something in his voice set her on edge.

"Like I would tell you," Merlin told him.

"We have ways of procuring answers from you," Alvarr warned.

"Try what you will. I will never tell you. And when I die, the secret will die with me," Merlin told him.

"We'll see how long you last," Alvarr said. Suddenly, the wind picked up. It sent stray branches and leaves flying around. Morgana put her arms over her head to shield herself from the wind's attack.

When the wind settled down, there was nothing left. Alvarr and Merlin were gone. The two guards that had held Merlin were gone.

If Morgana weren't looking out at the abandoned druid camp, she would have thought this was just her imagination.

Morgana stared out at the camp, hoping that Merlin would pop out and tell her that he was fine. When that didn't happen, Morgana got to her feet. She felt like something were choking her and when she brought her hand to her throat she realized something was. She untied the knot around her throat and looked at the object.

She couldn't see it yet, but she recognized the burlap that covered it. She realized the faith Merlin was putting in her. He had known she was here and his words were for her, not Alvarr. When he said that Alvarr would never find it, it wasn't a warning to Alvarr. He was telling her that he trusted her to keep this safe.

Morgana swore she wouldn't betray that trust. Not this time.

She turned and made her way back to Camelot. She was going to return the crystal to its rightful place and then she was going to find Arthur. They were going to get Merlin back.


	3. Help Me Please

**Story 24: I'm Sorry**

 **Chapter 3: Help Me Please**

Morgana paced outside of Arthur's chambers. She wasn't sure what she would say to him, how to convince him that he needed to protect Merlin. She had to protect Merlin and herself, so she couldn't tell Arthur about their magic. Then he would happily leave Merlin for dead. But she also couldn't think of a reason for Merlin to have gone out to the woods without spinning some intricate lie that she knew she would never be able to keep track of.

Morgana put her hand over her forehead. She was overthinking this. She knew if she didn't go in now then she never would and Merlin would be lost forever. She forced herself to think of Merlin. He had allowed himself to be taken to prevent Morgana from getting hurt. He had gone out of his way to correct the mistake that she made. He didn't deserve the fate that befell him. That should have been Morgana's punishment.

With that in mind, Morgana pushed open the doors to Arthur chambers.

Arthur was sitting at his desk, leafing through several papers. He looked exhausted and she could see his stress clouding his eyes. Morgana knew that stress was her fault. She had brought Alvarr into Camelot, had helped him steal the crystal, and had watched as Arthur drove himself crazy looking for someone that was long gone.

Arthur didn't look up as the door slammed behind her. "It's about time. These floors aren't going to clean themselves you know," Arthur said. He looked up when he didn't hear a response and his eyebrows knit together in confusion when he saw Morgana. "You're not Merlin."

"No, I'm not," Morgana agreed.

"What are you doing here?" Arthur asked her. He looked at her more closely and noticed her red, puffy eyes. She had been crying recently.

"I did something truly awful," Morgana said quietly. Tears were stinging at the back of her eyes. She took a deep breath, trying to calm down.

"What is it?" Arthur asked her nervously. He rarely saw Morgana like this. "Did you do something to upset my father?"

Morgana shook her head. "No. I mean, probably, but I don't particularly care about that. This is about Merlin," she whispered.

Arthur looked at her. "Would you care to explain?" He asked her, slightly annoyed. He hated when people beat around the bush. It was entirely unnecessary in his opinion.

"Do you remember the other night when Merlin told you he saw someone entering my chambers?" Morgana asked him. "He… he wasn't wrong. There was someone in my chambers. A man by the name of Alvarr."

"Do you mean to tell me that you didn't allow me to search your chambers because you knew we would find someone?" Arthur asked furiously. "Morgana, how could you be so foolish? That man is dangerous."

"I know he is, but there's more," Morgana told him. She wasn't sure when she made the conscious decision to be honest with him, but she knew she was making the right choice. If Arthur was going to save Merlin, he needed to know the part Morgana had played in his kidnapping.

"What else?" Arthur demanded.

"There was someone with him. The little boy that you helped me sneak out of Camelot years ago. He was with Alvarr. That's how they knew where to come," Morgana told him. She was ashamed of herself. She had been blinded by her affection for the boy.

"The boy… oh what was his name? Morfin?" Arthur said uncertainly.

"Mordred," Morgana corrected.

"Yes, that's right," Arthur said, nodding his head in agreement. "What does he have to do with this?"

"He found me and… I don't know what it is about the boy, but I trust him. When he asked me for help, I could not deny him," Morgana told Arthur. "But he knew you were coming and they were able to hide a couple of seconds before you entered my chambers. It's why Merlin looked like he was mistaken."

"So you made Merlin look like an idiot," Arthur said slowly. "I don't see why that's such a terrible thing. Merlin makes himself look like a fool every day. It's not really anything new to him."

"There's more," Morgana told him.

Arthur sighed. He had figured as much. "Go on," he encouraged.

"Mordred asked me for his help. They were trying to retrieve a precious crystal, one they said belonged in the hands of the druids," Morgana explained slowly. "They told me that Uther had it locked up."

"Tell me you didn't help them," Arthur said. He didn't need to look at her to know that was the case. "And I suppose it was you that stole the keys from my chambers." Once again, he knew the answer before he looked at her. "I docked Merlin a day's pay for that!"

"I know, I'm sorry," Morgana said quietly. The more she spoke, the more the guilt gnawed at her. "Merlin suspected I was aiding them and last night, he confronted me about it. I followed him when he went off to meet Alvarr." Morgana hesitated. This was the part she had to be careful about. Arthur couldn't know about the magic they possessed. "Merlin snuck into one of the tents to retrieve the crystal and he found it, but he was caught as he was leaving. There was a bit of a fight and Merlin managed to escape for a few minutes. He knew he wasn't going to be able to evade them, so he gave me the crystal to get back to you." Morgana pulled the crystal out of the fold of her gown where she had secured it. She offered it to Arthur, but he didn't take it. "He told me to stay hidden, so I did. But I could still see and hear everything. When he was recaptured…" Morgana stopped. She couldn't bring herself to say it.

"Morgana, where is he?" Arthur demanded. He felt as if his heart were twisting itself into a knot. If Merlin had died to get this crystal back, Arthur would never forgive himself. Especially not after the way he treated Merlin.

"I don't know," Morgana said, her tears were flowing freely now. "Alvarr got him and they simply disappeared. I don't know where he took Merlin, but he seemed determined to get the location of the crystal from him. I think he thought that Merlin just hid it somewhere. Merlin said he would rather die than betray you. I… I think he meant it." Morgana looked down at the ground. "I know that what I did was wrong, but please do not let Merlin bear the burden of my consequences. He doesn't deserve that. Help me. Please." She looked up at Arthur. If he refused to help her, she knew she wouldn't have a prayer of finding Merlin.

Arthur returned her plea with a stony expression. Morgana had known Arthur was stubborn, but she thought that he cared about Merlin enough to do this at least. She needed to look no further than his cold, emotionless eyes to know that he had already made up his mind.

"Please," she whispered, hanging her head. She knew a lost cause when she saw one.


	4. The Search Is On

**Story 24: I'm Sorry**

 **Chapter 4: The Search Is On**

Arthur almost felt bad… almost. If Morgana hadn't lied to him and betrayed Camelot, he would probably feel much worse.

He had no intention of leaving Merlin out there to die, but after everything he had heard that night, he couldn't bring himself to tell Morgana. He didn't trust her anymore.

It pained him to admit that, but it was true. By helping the druids, Morgana had crossed a line. Arthur wasn't sure she would ever be able to step back behind that line again.

That night, Arthur was on edge at dinner. He hoped his father didn't notice. He had been racking his brain for a good enough reason to be absent for a couple of days to search for Merlin. He knew Morgana could tell something was off about him, but he hoped she would pass it off as his reaction towards her betrayal. Before he realized that his time was up, his father was dismissing him.

Arthur frowned, but nodded once. He knew he wouldn't see his father again before he left. He went back to his chambers and sat down at his desk, trying to figure out how he was going to find Merlin when he literally could be anywhere. Alvarr was a sorcerer so for all Arthur knew, he could be holding Merlin in a secret underwater dome.

He was pulled out of his reverie by Morgana storming into his chambers. "What now Morgana?" Arthur asked irritably.

"I know you're going to look for Merlin," Morgana told him. "I'm going to help you."

"How exactly do you plan on doing that?" Arthur demanded. "You don't know where he is any more than I do."

"No, but I know how to find him," Morgana told him.

"How?" Arthur asked. He didn't know that he trusted her, but if she had a way to find Merlin, who was he to argue.

"There is a druid woman who approached me and said that she knew a way to find Merlin. The druids exiled her a long time ago and she has never forgiven them. She can use her powers to find him, but only if you guarantee her safety once Merlin is found," Morgana told him. The druid woman didn't exist, but Morgana was confident she would be able to change her appearance so she would be unrecognizable to Arthur, but her disguise would be for nothing if Arthur killed her.

Arthur frowned. "How do I know that she can be trusted?"

"You can't know for sure," Morgana said. "But she's the only shot you've got."

Arthur sighed. He hated the idea with every fiber of his being, but he knew Morgana was right. He would have no chance of finding Merlin without help. "Tell this woman to meet me by the stables first thing in the morning. If she does as she promises and delivers me to Merlin, no harm will come to her."

Morgana nodded. "I will let her know," she promised. She hid her smile so Arthur wouldn't be able to see it. She had managed to convince him. It was easier than she had expected. She had thought she would have to argue with him and play every card she possessed to even plant the seed that Arthur could trust a druid woman. It was a sign of how worried Arthur was for Merlin that he agreed to her suggestion.

She turned to leave but Arthur stopped her. "Oh and Morgana?" She turned to look at him with her eyebrow raised. "Come up with an excuse for my father."

"That won't be a problem," Morgana told him as she walked out. She didn't go back to her chambers, instead she went straight to Gaius.

When she entered Gaius' chambers, he was examining something that was over a small flame. "Gaius?" She asked softly. He showed no sign that he had heard her, so she called his name again. "Gaius?" Still nothing. She quietly approached him. She didn't want to frighten him, so she tried not to alarm him. When she was close, she gently tapped on his shoulder. "Gaius?"

Gaius spun around looking for some kind of threat. He put his hand over his chest when he saw it was Morgana. "My dear child. You cannot sneak up on an old man like that," he told her.

"I'm sorry, but I need your help with something," Morgana told him softly.

"What can I help you with?" Gaius asked her curiously.

"I need to change my appearance," Morgana told him quietly. "And I need to learn a spell that will help me find someone."

"I don't know that I'm the right person to help you with that," Gaius said neutrally. The only thing that betrayed him was the slight tightening of his eyes.

"Don't lie to me Gaius," Morgana warned. "I know about Merlin's magic and the only way he would have learned so much about it is if someone helped him."

Gaius studied Morgana for a moment. She could see the doubt that lined his eyes. "If you know about his magic, then you know he is powerful. Powerful enough to help you change your appearance and to complete a simple tracking spell. Why don't you ask Merlin for assistance?"

"I… I can't," Morgana whispered. The guilt was building up again, threatening to overwhelm her.

"And why not?" Gaius asked gently. He could see that Morgana was in a state of distress over something. He wondered if she had gotten into a fight with Merlin.

"Because he's the person I'm trying to find," Morgana admitted.

Gaius' eyes widened. "What happened?" Gaius asked. Any sign of patience left, replaced by pure fear for Merlin.

"I don't have time to explain. Can you teach me?" Morgana asked.

Gaius closed his eyes. For Merlin, there was nothing he wouldn't do. "I cannot guarantee it, but I will do my best," he promised.

Gaius entered Merlin's chambers and looked up at the ceiling before he lifted up the loose plank Merlin hid the magic book under. He almost felt like a father invading his son's privacy and he wished it could have been that simple. He wished he could be going through Merlin's belongings to search for anything out of the ordinary, rather than searching for a spell book that would help the king's ward use her forbidden magic to find Merlin. When did his life get so complicated?


	5. Learning Curves

**Story 24: I'm Sorry**

 **Chapter 5: Learning Curves**

He brought the spell book out to Morgana. "Merlin has used this to learn many spells," Gaius explained as he placed it in front of her. "There are spells for just about everything. You've never studied magic before, so you're going to need to practice some simple spells. Fortunately, there is a very simple glamour spell that will change your appearance. If you picture it in your head, so you will become." Gaius flipped through a couple of pages before he found the right one. "The key to most of these spells is pronunciation and concentration. The more you practice them, the easier they will become." He turned the book so it was facing Morgana. "Try this." He pointed to a spell next to a picture of a flawless woman.

Morgana stumbled over the foreign words. She was unfamiliar with some of the letter clusters which made her spell casting all the more awkward. Gaius was patient with her, guiding her through the pronunciation until she had it down perfectly.

He was there the first time the spell had any effect on her – it gave her freckles. It hadn't exactly been the effect she had been trying for, but she was excited about it all the same. She had cast her first real spell.

For hours, she said the spell over and over and over again, changing different aspects of her appearance until Gaius deemed her unrecognizable. He assured her that it was normal for it to take so long to learn a spell, particularly when she is only just starting to learn magic.

Morgana knew that with time and practice, a glamour spell such as the one she just tried would be simple. She would be able to alter her appearance in one go. She just wished she had known about this magic book earlier. Then she would definitely have been strong enough to find Merlin.

Gaius forced her to take a break after that. He said location spells were very difficult and he wanted her to take a break before she had to use magic of that level.

While she was resting, Gaius asked her about what happened with Merlin. Morgana almost wished that he would drop it. She deserved the guilt that she felt, but that didn't mean she wanted the constant reminder of what she had cost Merlin. But if anyone deserved to know the truth it was Gaius, so she forced her guilt aside and began to tell him what had happened.

Nearly an hour passed while Morgana talked. Gaius was silent while she explained everything that had happened. It didn't surprise him. He had heard Merlin speak of her destiny and while he knew Merlin didn't want to believe it, some things were inevitable. No one can change their destiny.

When Morgana had finished talking, Gaius nodded his head once and opened to a new page in the spell book. If Gaius knew Merlin, he knew that he would never give up on Morgana, not until the day she died.

Gaius had to hope Merlin's faith in her wasn't entirely misplaced. "Most of the spells that involve tracking someone require you to give them a potion," Gaius told her. "They are mostly used to find out where someone is sneaking off to. What you'll need is more powerful than those types of spells. I fear you may not be strong enough."

"I have to be," Morgana said determinedly. "Show me the spell." She hoped that by sounding confident, she would become confident, but nothing was able to ease the worry gnawing in her stomach.

When Gaius opened to the page, Morgana stared at it shocked. The spell took up nearly the entire page. "You can't be serious," Morgana said surprised.

Gaius frowned. "It is the simplest spell that will locate Merlin. I suppose you could try scrying him, but then you would need to recognize where he was taken," Gaius told her.

"It would be easier?" Morgana asked.

"Yes my lady," Gaius agreed.

"Then let's try it," Morgana told him. "If I cannot tell where he took him, then I will try the other one."

Gaius nodded and flipped through several pages. It was days like this when he wished he still had a strong command over his magic. He could remember stumbling over the words while his master watched him when he was first learning. It took him months to develop his skills enough to cast simple spells with ease. Years before he mastered the more difficult ones.

What had taken him most of his boyhood, Morgana had to master in one night. She definitely had her work cut out for her.

When Gaius opened to the proper page and turned it so Morgana could see it. Morgana's forehead scrunched as she read the small script on the page. "It says I need a 'scrying instrument'?" Morgana asked uncertainly.

"That just means a basin and water, or a mirror," Gaius told her. He stood up and crossed his chambers to the barrel of water he had for drinking. He took a small bowl and dunked it below the water to fill it, not caring how it caused water to spill over the sides. "You need a medium that will reflect Merlin's location." He brought it back over to Morgana.

Morgana frowned as she continued reading. This looked just as complicated as the other spell he had shown her.

She looked up at him uncertainly. "Are you sure this is simpler?" She asked him.

"It's a long spell, but an easy one. You draw on the medium to perform the magic, rather than pulling it from yourself," Gaius told her. In truth, it wasn't that easy, but having a medium did help.

Morgana sighed as she looked into the basin. The book said that she must concentrate on the water and will it to show her Merlin. She read the spell and whispered the words over and over again. Each time she whispered it, she felt as if something were changing in her. Maybe it was because she was getting more desperate, or maybe it was because this was meant to be, but she felt as if the words were rolling off of her tongue with more ease.

Gaius didn't need to tell her when she had finally pronounced it correctly. She could feel it. She could feel something responding inside of her. She opened her eyes and said each word clearly as she stared into the basin. She was amazed as a grainy image formed on the water. Before she could look too closely, it was gone.

She had lost her focus. Morgana forced herself to concentrate as hard as possible as she repeated the spell. This time, she made sure she concentrated of every detail of the image before she broke the spell.

She sat back with a sigh. "I don't understand," she muttered.

"It will take a while," Gaius told her gently. He had been leafing through a book on different herbs that could help people with nausea, so he hadn't seen what she had.

"No, I got it," Morgana told him. "I could see him with clarity. His surroundings were like a blend of rainbows, but nothing distinct."

"There are cases where one's location can be hidden from someone who is trying to scry them, but that can only be done if the individual they are looking for incants the spell," Gaius told her.

"Of course," Morgana muttered. "Merlin doesn't want to be found. Why am I not surprised?"

"It is in his nature. He wouldn't want anyone to be able to find him, but this leaves us with quite the predicament. You won't be able to find him through any magical means. His magic won't allow it," Gaius told her.

"But I was able to physically see him. Is there a spell that will track him physically?" Morgana asked.

Gaius' eyes widened. "Did anyone ever tell you that you're a genius?"


	6. Follow Me

**Story 24: I'm Sorry**

 **Chapter 6: Follow Me**

The next morning, as the sun was rising, Morgana prepared to meet Arthur by the stables. She had only just left Gaius' chambers after spending all night buried amongst the pages of that spell book. She had double checked with Gaius that she would be unrecognizable before she had left.

She felt as if her heart were beating a mile a minute as she waited. Part of her feared that Arthur would somehow be able to see through her disguise. If he did, this mission would be over before it started.

Even if her disguise held, Morgana feared more than anything that she would say something that would give her away. For someone that spent most of her time hiding who she truly was, she had no idea how to intentionally do it.

Morgana lurked in the shadows the best as she could. She knew she would attract strange looks otherwise. As it was, many people shot her odd looks as they walked down the street.

Morgana was growing more anxious as the minutes ticked by. She feared that Arthur had had a change of heart.

A cough behind her had her practically jumping out of her skin. She turned to see Arthur in a blue-green cloak. It was pulled over his head. Unless someone was looking right up at him, they wouldn't know who it was.

"Do we need horses?" Arthur asked quietly.

"Yes," Morgana told him. In truth, she wasn't sure. She just figured that in the case it may be a long commute to get to Merlin, it would be better to be prepared.

Arthur gave the order to the stable hands and he waited awkwardly as they prepared the horses. He didn't try to speak to her, but Morgana preferred it that way. If she wasn't talking, she didn't have to worry about accidentally giving herself away.

Once the horses were prepared, Morgana and Arthur mounted them. Morgana cast a nervous glance towards Arthur before she whispered the enchantment under her breath. She clutched one of his scarfs in her hand. Once she had finished, she tied the neckerchief around her saddle and let it be the guide. The moment the cloth touched the horse, it began to move.

Morgana let out a sigh of relief. It had worked. The horse would lead them straight to Merlin.

"Follow me," she ordered Arthur. Arthur's face darkened, but he obliged. They traveled for a long time to an area Morgana had never been to before. She looked around, trying to see if there was anything she could recognize. She had spent a lot of time wandering these woods on horseback.

She could see from Arthur's face that he recognized the path they were taking. Morgana frowned. She knew Arthur had traveled much more than she had, but he looked as if they were heading to their doom. She had never seen him look so worried before.

"What is it?" She asked him nervously. As if he hadn't realized he had been wearing his emotions on his sleeve, he composed his face into a neutral expression.

"I've gone this way before," he said quietly. His expression remained blank, but he couldn't mask the worry in his eyes.

"Is it unsafe?" Morgana asked uncertainly. It was the only thing she could think of that might have caused his unease.

"The journey no," Arthur told her. "But our destination perhaps. It is not a fond memory of mine."

Morgana's brow furrowed together as she tried to understand Arthur's words. She desperately wanted to know what he was talking about, but she didn't dare ask him. It turned out, she didn't have to.

"Your magic, is it powerful?" Arthur asked her after a moment had passed.

Morgana wondered if he was doubting her ability to get them to Merlin. perhaps he thought that she was leading them down the wrong path. That thought caused Morgana to speak with a little more bite behind her words than she usually would have. "Powerful enough. Why?" She asked.

"The place I believe we are going is home to a very dangerous sorceress. If she has Merlin, it will not be easy recovering him," Arthur explained. Morgana suddenly felt extremely stupid. Arthur hadn't been doubting her abilities, he was asking her if she could be depended on if it came down to a magical fight. In truth, Morgana didn't know the answer to that question.

"This witch, what is her name?" Morgana asked curiously. She didn't know why she wanted to know, but she had a bad feeling deep in her stomach.

"Morgause," Arthur said evenly. Morgana knew she was wearing her emotions on her sleeve when Arthur turned to her. "You know her."

"I've heard of her," Morgana said quietly. She didn't care to elaborate. If Morgause were working with Alvarr, that complicated things.

Morgana had met Morgause when she had beat Arthur in combat. She hadn't seen her again for almost two months, then the note came. She could remember it like it was yesterday. A bird had flown right up to her and had extended its leg. This was strange for Morgana because forest creatures didn't make a habit of approaching her. It wasn't until she noticed the tiny piece of parchment attached to its leg that she realized he was carrying a message.

It was a letter from Morgause asking if Morgana would meet her that night. Morgana had agreed immediately. She had felt the strangest connection to Morgause and had hoped that she would be able to get some answers that night.

She had been right. Morgause answered all of her questions and then some. Morgana could still remember how shocked she had been to find out that she had a half-sister. Morgause spun a tale of what could have been. She had offered to take Morgana away from Camelot one day and teach her all about magic. Morgana hadn't hesitated to agree. In her mind, she was getting family and acceptance all at once and it was an amazing feeling.

Morgause had been ready to have Morgana accompany her then, but Morgana hadn't been ready. She needed more time. When Morgana left that night, Morgause promised her that she would come back for her.

Morgana hated to think about what would happen if Morgause were working with Alvarr. She didn't want to choose between Merlin and Morgause. It wouldn't be fair.

As they got closer, Morgana began to dread what she would find in there. She had promised herself that she would not betray Merlin's trust again. The thing she feared most is that she would have to break that promise.


	7. Hindsight

**Story 24: I'm Sorry**

 **Chapter 7: Hindsight**

In retrospect, Morgana should have seen it coming. She should have known it wouldn't be that simple. When they had approached the looming castle, there wasn't a single guard in sight. Arthur had tied up the horses before looking around. Morgana clutched Merlin's scarf like a lifeline. She could feel it calling towards Merlin. She felt an undeniable pull towards him and knew without a doubt that Merlin was hidden inside the walls before her.

"I don't see any guards, so they're probably inside," he warned. He didn't know how right he was.

They stalked towards the entrance, prepared for any type of obstacle to pop up. Arthur walked with his hand on the hilt of his sword the entire time. When they reached the door and walked through, Morgana felt strange. She felt as if someone were running their fingers down her back and the sensation made her shiver.

Arthur looked back at her to see what had startled her and his eyes widened. He could barely begin to comprehend what had just happened, because it defied everything he held true.

Morgana was beginning to squirm under his scrutiny, wondering what he could possibly be gawking at. Her answer came moments later when the prince finally found his voice. "You…" He sputtered. Morgana looked behind her, expecting to see someone looming with a sword, but aside from them, the corridor was empty. When she looked back at Arthur, he had his sword drawn. In an even, but deadly voice Arthur answered the question that Morgana never spoke out loud. "How long have you known magic Morgana?"

Morgana stared at Arthur, her eyes wide and frightened. It was impossible. She reached up to feel the smooth contours of her face. It was unmistakably her skin, her face. "I don't understand," she whispered. "What happened?"

Arthur it seemed was incapable of answering her question. She didn't exactly blame him. He had no knowledge of magic and was probably still coming to terms with the idea that she had magic. "How long?" He demanded after another moment passed.

"Since the fire in my chambers," Morgana whispered. "I didn't have any control over it. That's the first time I realized I had magic."

Arthur closed his eyes. "I should kill you. I should strike you where you stand," he whispered.

"But you won't," Morgana guessed.

Arthur let out the breath he was holding. Morgana had been like a sister to him since she came to live in Camelot when she was twelve. He would never be able to bring himself to ignore all of the memories they made and kill her. But there was no way he would tell her that. "Not yet," he told her, hardening his voice to her. "I need you to help me get Merlin back."

Arthur didn't know what he would do once they found Merlin. He didn't know if he would bring Morgana back to Camelot and agree to keep her secret safe from Uther. He knew that was the most likely path. He couldn't kill Morgana and he couldn't banish her without telling Uther. If he so much as muttered the words magic, Uther would kill Morgana himself. Arthur cringed at the idea and knew his father could not find out.

Arthur also knew their relationship would never be the same. He would never be able to look Morgana in the eye and not feel the fear and hatred he felt now.

Arthur walked in a random direction, hoping it was the right one. He had a hunch about where they might be holding Merlin. Morgana walked by his side not saying a word. She looked as if she were walking to her death, which she honestly thought she was. Even if she survived retrieving Merlin, Arthur would kill her.

As Morgana followed Arthur, she felt the pull of the scarf get stronger and stronger until she felt like it was pulling her along with it rather than vice versa. "He's right up ahead," she whispered. She could feel it. She almost felt as if his scarf were humming with excitement at being reunited with Merlin. It was the strangest feeling.

Arthur nodded, his jaw set. He had expected as much. They rounded the corner and saw Merlin tied up. He had been stripped of his tunic, left only in his pants. Angry cuts and bruises covered every inch of his chest and stomach. His cheeks had thousands of tiny cuts on them and something that looked suspiciously like bruising. Other than Merlin, there was no one else in sight.

"Go help him," Arthur ordered. He was loathe to let her near Merlin, but he had to accept that she would be able to help him a lot more than he could. "I'll make sure no one else is here."

Morgana didn't question his orders. She rushed to Merlin's side and began to indo his bindings. She half expected him to collapse to the ground when she untied his hands, instead he stumbled slightly before finding his balance. His face was contorted with pain. "Why didn't you free herself?" She asked once she realized he was conscious.

"Can't," Merlin murmured. His voice sounded so faint. "No powers. Drugged."

Morgana's eyes widened. She couldn't imagine what that was like. She had only just gotten used to having magic and if someone took it away from her, she would feel like she was missing a limb. "Where are they?" Morgana asked.

"Close," Merlin whispered. "They never go far." There was a haunted look in his eyes and Morgana wondered what they had subjected him to. The look in his eyes went behind physical pain.

"We'll get you out of here," Morgana promised.

"We?" Merlin asked.

"Arthur's with me," Morgana explained.

Merlin suddenly looked much more alert. "You need to get him out of here," Merlin slurred. He tried to walk, but would have fallen to the ground were it not for Morgana. "They want to kill him." Merlin raised his voice as loud as it would go. "Arthur!"

Arthur appeared by his side in a heartbeat. "What is it?" He asked anxiously.

"We have to go," Merlin said frantically. He tried pushing Arthur towards the exit.

"Oh, you've brought friends," a voice from the shadows said. A woman with blonde hair stepped in front of them, blocking their exit. A woman that they would recognize anywhere.

"Morgause," Arthur said darkly.


	8. Blood is Thicker than Water

**Story 24: I'm Sorry**

 **Chapter 8: Blood is Thicker than Water**

Morgana stepped in front of Arthur, hoping that she would be able to convince her to let them go. She knew the moment she saw Morgause that this would be complicated. Morgause had made her opinion of the Pendragons very clear.

"Morgana," Morgause said surprised. She hadn't expected to see her here.

"You two know each other?" Arthur asked suspiciously.

"She's my half-sister," Morgause said simply. She studied Morgana. She looked like she hadn't slept in days. Deep purple bags rimmed her eyes and if she wasn't mistaken a look of guilt had settled itself in her eyes.

"Half-sister?" Arthur asked looking at Morgana angrily. He wondered if it would ever stop. "First the crystal, then magic. Any other secrets you would like share with me? Have you secretly tried to kill my father too? Or maybe me? Maybe we can add to the list." The sarcasm laced Arthur's tone. One look at Morgana's face and Arthur found his blood going cold. His voice dropped to a whisper. "You've tried to kill my father."

Morgana couldn't look at Arthur. "Once," she told him. She didn't know why she was telling him. Maybe it was because she wanted him to understand or maybe it was because she was tired of lying to him. "Right after Gwen's father died and we went to visit my father's grave. We were attacked by Tauren. It was because of me. I had told Tauren where we would be. I had asked him to kill your father. I was so blinded by anger." In truth, Morgana wouldn't care if Uther died tomorrow. She knew that Morgause wanted him dead and she hadn't decided whether she would aid her or not. She knew without a doubt that she would not stand in her way.

"But that doesn't make sense," Arthur told her. Despite everything he had seen her do, he did not believe her capable of murder.

"Are you ready?" Morgause asked Morgana eagerly. The last time they had met, Morgana seemed reluctant to leave with Morgause, but things were different now.

"Ready for what?" Arthur asked. He hated feeling left out, hated knowing there was a whole other side of Morgana that he had never seen.

Morgana didn't respond to him. Instead, she turned to Morgause. "If I go with you, will you let Arthur and Merlin go free? And will you heal Merlin of his injuries. Will you promise not to harm him?" Morgana asked her. She didn't take her eyes off of Morgause as she waited for an answer.

Morgause studied her for a moment. "I can see that you care deeply for him," Morgause told her quietly. Morgana's emotions were written across her forehead as were her feelings. It surprised her that she cared for a simple serving boy, but as Morgause had quickly discovered, there was more to Merlin than met the eye. She could understand Morgana's feelings, but believed them to be a passing whim. For now, Morgause knew she would have to agree. Morgana would never forgive her if she killed him. "The serving boy is free to go." Morgana let out a breath when she realized the gift Morgause was giving her. She would not reveal Merlin's powers to Arthur. "But I cannot say the same for Arthur."

"Please," Morgana pleaded. "He's done nothing to you."

"It's not what he's done, but what he will do. If I let Arthur go, the land I am trying to build will never come to be. He will continue his father's needless persecution of our kind. Don't you want to be free one day? To not have to worry that someone is hunting you and trying to kill you?" Morgause demanded.

"Of course, but not like this," Morgana told her. she couldn't help the tears that had sprung to her eyes. She was so tired. "Please sister. I'll stay with you if you let them both go."

Morgause studied Morgana for a moment. Her face softened when she saw the concern and fatigue mixing together.

"Very well," Morgause told her. The confidence in Morgause's voice made Merlin want to punch something and he wasn't usually a violent person.

"No!" Merlin said angrily. "You are better than this Morgana." He looked at her pleadingly. If you went with Morgause, she would become twisted. The witch that Kilgharrah had warned him of would come to be. Merlin would not see that happen.

"I wish I were Merlin," Morgana whispered. She didn't know where his misplaced faith in her had come from. She had allowed herself to be blinded by that faith, to believe that she was better than she believed. But she had been wrong, they both had. She walked towards Morgause, accepting her embrace when she stood by her side.

"Morgana, please," Merlin whispered. He couldn't watch what she would become.

"I'm sorry," Morgana told him sincerely. In her heart, she knew she was doing the right thing. She would have no life back in Camelot. She would walk in the gates and Arthur would order her arrest, so what was the point in pretending otherwise. She was choosing life and freedom and family. Morgana looked at Morgause. "I'm staying with my sister."

Merlin's face hardened. He knew that he would not be able to change her mind. He was silent as he exchanged a look with Arthur and both of them backed away until they rounded the corner. Morgana and Morgause were out of their sight. Arthur began to run back to the horses, practically dragging Merlin along with him. He hadn't realized how injured Merlin was until he fell to the ground.

After that, Arthur walked as quickly as possible while supporting most of Merlin's weight. Merlin winced with every step they took. The pain reverberated through him. He wasn't sure how long he had been gone and he didn't have the strength to ask. It felt like an eternity had passed as they had subjected him to everything they could to make him crack. He had refused and that's when it got really bad. He could still remember the nightmares they had induced him with.

At some point, Merlin lost consciousness. It wasn't because of the pain alone. It had been too much. Everything that he had seen and felt and then losing Morgana on top of that. It had been too much. He allowed the blackness to take over and knew that Arthur would protect him.


	9. Family Ties

**Story 24: I'm Sorry**

 **Chapter 9: Family Ties**

When Arthur returned to Camelot, he took Merlin to Gaius before he even went to see his father. He didn't know what he was going to say to explain his long absence or Morgana's disappearance, and he needed time to fabricate a reasonable excuse. Initially he hadn't worried about it, because he had believed Morgana would be staying behind and he had absolute faith in her ability to deceive his father.

Gaius looked up over his spectacles when they walked in. He was mixing something in a small bottle. He dropped the bottle he was holding when he spotted Merlin. Arthur was barely aware of the foul smell or the shattered glass. As quickly as possible, Gaius cleared the table he and Merlin usually dined on and covered it with a bed cloth. Arthur placed Merlin down on the table, being careful not to jostle him too much. Gaius began to work on him, cleaning out the hundreds of cuts that littered his skin. He never asked Arthur what had happened and for that Arthur was grateful. Arthur left shortly after that, leaving Gaius to his work.

He contemplated going to his chambers first to get some sleep. It had been nearly three days since he last slept soundly. He decided against that, knowing he could not prolong this conversation with his father.

He entered the throne room where his father was sitting reading over reports. He looked up when the door opened. "Ah, Arthur," Uther said, a small smile gracing his lips. It was the only sign of affection he ever showed his son. "I was beginning to worry. How did Morgana enjoy the hunt?"

Arthur stared at him. "What?" He asked uncertainly. Where did his father get the ridiculous notion that Morgana would want to go on a hunt?

"Gaius told me that Morgana wished to learn how to hunt," Uther told him. "You don't need to hide it from me. Though I do wish you had asked before you just ran off with her. I would have preferred that you took a couple of guards with you."

Arthur looked at the ground. Morgana had thought of just about everything. He had to admit, it was a clever move having Gaius deliver an excuse to Uther. Arthur was a little surprised that Uther had believed that excuse, especially since Morgana had never made a secret of her distaste of hunting. "Sire, there's something I need to tell you. It's about Morgana," Arthur told him quietly. He didn't know that he could put her betrayal into words.

"Did she get hurt?" Uther asked, his eyebrows knitting together with worry. He finally put down the quill he had been writing with and gave Arthur his undivided attention. "The guards informed me that you went to see Gaius, but they believed that was for your servant."

"She didn't get hurt… not exactly," Arthur told him uncomfortably. Arthur wished the floor would open up and swallow him whole. It would definitely be more preferable to the wrath of his father.

"What is it you wish to tell me Arthur?" Uther asked tiredly. He didn't have time to entertain Arthur.

"Morgana left father," Arthur explained. "This whole trip was a rouse so that she could leave."

"Why would she do such a thing?" Uther asked, his anger coating his voice.

"Because she led us to Morgause."

"No!" Uther said.

Arthur ignored him. "Morgause is her sister."

"No," Uther repeated. Arthur heard the defeat in his voice and snapped his head up to glare at Uther.

"You knew," Arthur accused. He was so tired of the secrets his father kept from him. He wasn't a little boy anymore.

"Morgause is a witch. She is lying," Uther said weakly. There was no bite behind his bark and Arthur saw through it immediately.

"No she's not," Arthur told him flatly. "And you knew. You knew Morgana had a half-sister out there."

Uther studied Arthur for a moment before the fight left him. "Yes I knew. I only became aware of it a couple of months ago when Morgause came here. I had been led to believe that the child had been killed when she was an infant," Uther told him. Arthur almost felt bad. Sometimes he forgot that his father was getting old. It showed in times like this when his frown lines sat like wrinkles around his mouth.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Arthur demanded.

"Because I feared what would happen if Morgana ever found out and given the events that unfolded as a result of her visit, I thought it was best to keep it to myself," Uther snapped. "How could you let her go off?"

"I didn't have much of a choice!" Arthur yelled. "She had a choice between me or her sister and you think she's not going to choose her family?" He knew he wasn't truly angry with his father, more that he was upset at how everything had happened.

"You are stronger than her. You should have brought her home," Uther yelled. "You must send out a search party at once."

"I don't think that would do any good," Arthur told him. He had tried to avoid it, but if his father insisted on blaming him for this, then he was left with no choice.

"And why not?" Uther asked.

"Because Morgana has magic," Arthur snapped. "It's why I let her go."

"No," Uther said stubbornly.

Arthur felt his anger threaten to overwhelm him. He was so tired of his father treating him like a child. "I saw it with my own two eyes!"

"You must be mistaken," Uther insisted.

Arthur bit back all of the insults he wished to throw at his father. "Whether you want to accept it or not, you cannot change the truth," he bit back.

"No daughter of mine can have magic," Uther warned. His eyes widened as he realized what he had just said. It was a secret he had intended to take to the grave.

Arthur froze, hoping beyond hope that he had heard his father incorrectly. Hoping that he was wrong. He looked up at his father and saw the regret in his eyes. He knew that his father had meant his words. Arthur felt the fight leave him. It had been too much. He had been nearly overwhelmed by Morgana having magic and Merlin's injuries, but this pushed him over the ledge. "Did you say daughter?"


	10. Betrayal

**Story 24: I'm Sorry**

 **Chapter 10: Betrayal**

Betrayal. That's all Arthur could process as he was pacing back and forth in his bedroom. He replayed what had happened in the throne room, hoping that he would find a flaw in their conversation that would prove he had made it up. Somehow the words sister and Morgana didn't quite fit in the same sentence.

He felt incredibly overwhelmed. It wasn't enough that Morgana had magic, now she had to be his father's illegitimate daughter. What hit him the hardest was the undeniable truth behind knowing that his father was Morgana's father.

Arthur felt he would have been able to forgive him if it had happened after his mother had died; however, Arthur knew that was impossible. His father had been unfaithful to his mother, the woman he had claimed to love so much. Arthur could do the math. Morgana was older than him.

At some point in the night, the fight left Arthur and he didn't have the strength to keep pacing. He couldn't stand still, couldn't move. No matter how he looked at this, he lost. He stared out his window, hoping the stars would hold the answers to all of his problems.

He was pulled from his reverie by the creak of his door and the shuffle of footsteps. He turned to see who dared disturb him when he had given the guards explicit instructions not to allow anyone in.

His jaw nearly dropped when he saw Merlin standing in the door. One of his arms was in a sling and his entire chest was bandaged. He wasn't wearing a shirt because of the bandages and Arthur could see spots of red where Merlin had bled through the thick padding. His forehead was dotted with sweat. Two guards were behind him after a moment, shouting at him, but Arthur couldn't hear what they were saying. He didn't realize until he saw him how much he needed Merlin. He was the one constant in his life, the one person that Arthur knew would never betray him.

Merlin had proven that again and again. His devotion was stronger than anything Arthur had seen. So strong that Merlin had found a way to get past the guards despite the consequences he could have suffered. Arthur wasn't quite sure how Merlin had managed to get past fully trained and lethal guards when he was injured, but Arthur wasn't about to question it. "Let him in," Arthur ordered as a guard grabbed Merlin. Merlin's face briefly contorted with pain, but he quickly hid it.

His guard looked at him uncertainly, but released Merlin. Arthur waited until his guard closed his door before he spoke. "Why did you come here?" He asked. Merlin walked towards him and Arthur noticed there was a slight limp in his step. "You are hurt. You shouldn't have done that."

"Like you've ever cared before," Merlin muttered. "Gaius was outside the throne room when you spoke with your father… I knew that you wouldn't want to be alone."

Arthur nearly snorted. "Ah, so you've heard of the great infidelity of Uther Pendragon," Arthur said. He laughed, but there was no humor behind it.

"I did," Merlin confirmed. "I cannot excuse what your father did, but don't think this means he loved your mother any less."

"If he loved her so much, why was he unfaithful?" Arthur demanded.

"As I said, I cannot excuse his actions," Merlin told him. "Perhaps it was a mistake or maybe he loved the Lady Vivienne as well. There are so many maybes and perhaps that you will never have the answers to. You must accept that."

"I don't want to," Arthur grumbled. He knew he was being childish, but after everything that had happened he felt his behavior was justified.

"I'll alert your people that the crowned prince and heir to the throne will not show his father the same mercy he promised to show them. That should go over well," Merlin retorted dryly.

"So you're saying I should forgive him?" Arthur asked incredulously.

"Yes," Merlin said simply. "Can you really hold him accountable for a wrong he committed before you were born? Something he may have done once and deeply regretted?"

Arthur frowned. He knew Merlin's argument was a logical one, but he wasn't in the mood for logic. He shook his head. Perhaps if it had been this one thing, Arthur would have been able to process it, but he didn't have it in him. "I cannot forgive him for this," Arthur said quietly.

Merlin studied him for a moment. "There's something else that is bothering you," Merlin told him.

Arthur looked down at the ground. "Morgana," Arthur muttered. He knew from the way that Merlin's face softened that he understood Arthur's pain.

"I'm upset about Morgana too, but you know she did what she had to. She thought she was keeping us safe," Merlin told him softly.

"She chose to stay with Morgause. She has magic!" Arthur yelled. "How could she do that to me?"

"You really didn't give her much of a choice. She believed if she stayed with us, you would have her killed. Besides, she was only trying to keep you safe."

"Why are you defending her?" Arthur asked.

Merlin stayed silent for a moment. "When I was there with Morgause, I sincerely wanted to die. I wished she would just end my suffering. I knew the only way I would be able to end the pain would be to betray you. I couldn't do it, no matter how much it hurt. I think that's what Morgana felt. She didn't want to betray you by choosing Morgause, but she knew the alternative was your death. I guess I understand why she would have chosen to keep you alive," Merlin told him with a shrug.

Arthur fidgeted uncomfortably. When he worded it like that, Arthur understood what could have driven Morgana to that decision. He hated it, but he understood. "I'm sorry for everything that you went through on my account," Arthur told him seriously. He eyed the bandages once more. "I can't begin to understand what it must have been like."

"No you can't," Merlin agreed. A long silence stretched in front of them. Merlin knew what Arthur was waiting for, but he wasn't sure he was ready to talk about it. One look at Arthur and he knew he didn't have much of a choice. "She's a sorceress Arthur. Imagine the worst thing you can and then make it worse," Merlin told him. "Morgause had everything at her disposal. She could dig deep, far deeper than a normal person and everything she learned, she used against me. You, Gaius, Morgana. She used every one of you to try to crack me. At one point, she gave me these vivid nightmares…" Merlin closed his eyes. He couldn't talk about it anymore. "I know you want to know, but I cannot tell you."

"I understand," Arthur said gently. For the first time, Arthur realized that Merlin was hurting just as much as he was.

"I do have a question for you. How in the world did you find me? Morgause had me drugged so no one could find me by magical means," Merlin told him. It had been one of the worst things about the torture he had undergone. There was no chance of him escaping and no chance of being rescued. It could have literally gone on forever.

"I guess she's more powerful then we realized," Arthur said bitterly. "She took one of your scarfs from Gaius and when she put it against the neck of her horse, it knew where to go. Of course, at the time I thought she was a random sorceress. She was disguised. I still don't understand how that went away. She seemed very surprised when she looked like herself again."

"It was one of Morgause's defenses," Merlin explained dryly. "It prevented anyone from deceiving her by magical means." Merlin closed his eyes, realizing exactly what Morgana had sacrificed to find him. She had revealed herself so she could save him. She had tracked his physical being, the one thing that no magic can hide. No matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't find it in himself to be angry with her.


	11. To Kill A King

**Story 24: I'm Sorry**

 **Chapter 11: To Kill a King**

In the weeks that followed, Morgana learned as much as she could about magic. Morgause was a patient teacher and Morgana's power quickly grew. Morgause's instruction went far beyond practicing spells and potions, she made sure Morgana learned about the history of magic. The more Morgana learned about what those who practiced magic had gone through, the more she became outraged at what Uther had done. She wasn't sure if it was Morgause's intention to convince her that Uther needed to be killed, but that was certainly the outcome. Morgana had disagreed with Uther on many things, but she had been too close to him to see the pure evil that fueled his actions. If she had realized the depth of his sins, she would have killed him a long time ago.

Though she was far from Camelot and knew her chances of returning were slim, Morgana yearned for the comfort of the castle and for the friends she had met there. She had never had a chance to say goodbye to Gwen and she missed her desperately. Morgause did her best, but she could not be a constant companion in Morgana's life. Morgana felt like she had no purpose here. So she distracted herself. She would practice every spell she could until she could perform them without thought. She learned about the accounts of high priestesses who were burnt at the stake because they refused to renounce their beliefs. She saw hand-drawn images of children being drowned or beheaded. She read personal stories of sorcerers that just barely managed to escape the pyre. The worst thing was the book of names. Pages upon pages of thousands of names of the innocent people Uther had slaughtered. She absorbed as much as she could in the time she had.

Morgana's favorite times were when Morgause took her to other villages. There were entire villages of people who studied magic and each of them offered a unique perspective. Many were able to help Morgana understand her seer powers and she was slowly gaining control over that. It was a freeing feeling to finally understand oneself.

As excited as Morgana was to be with her sister and to learn magic, she couldn't help but think that her sister was hiding something from her. Morgause would have whispered conversations that ended abruptly when Morgana showed up. There were notes sealed with magic so only their recipient could open them. Morgana didn't like being kept in the dark and she knew the only reason that Morgause would keep something from her was if she knew she didn't like it. At first, Morgana tried to forget about it. She was sure that if Morgause wanted her involved then she would tell her about her plan. But Morgana spent far too much time by herself and eventually her curiosity got the better of her.

She became determined to find out what Morgause was planning. She knew she had to earn the trust of the people that may have been privy to Morgause's secret plan. She had no way of finding out who the mysterious correspondents were, so she found an alternative and befriended most of the serving staff. If she had learned anything while living as Uther's ward, it was that the servants were the eyes and ears of the castle. They knew things they had no right knowing.

It took two weeks before the right piece of information was overheard by the right servant, but once it was, Morgana understood why Morgause had kept it from her. Morgana didn't think as she moved through the winding hallways. She knew Morgause would be dining right now and she followed the familiar path that had once seemed so intimidating to her.

Morgana pushed open the doors and entered the dining hall. Morgause was sitting with a man that Morgana didn't recognize. She quickly rolled up the scroll they had been looking over. "Morgana," Morgause said, a small but stressed smile crossing her face. "What brings you here?"

"I know what your plan is and I know you leave at dawn. I want to go with you," Morgana insisted.

"How did you find out? You can't possibly…" Morgause began to say.

"It doesn't matter how I found out," Morgana said impatiently. "If you are planning on killing Uther, I want to help." Morgana knew she wanted to be a part of it the moment she knew what 'it' was. Uther had twisted Arthur and turned him against magic, he had wrongfully killed thousands of people. He deserved to die. Morgana would not be the one to cast the fatal blow, but she would help them get close enough to cast it. She had read the stories and the names. She had seen the carnage that Uther left in his wake. His reign of tyranny must come to an end.

Morgause studied her for a moment. "Why?" She asked.

"Because he has mercilessly killed our kind. I've known for a long time that Uther Pendragon deserves to die," Morgana said evenly. "One person can make a huge difference and I've been practicing. I can help!"

Morgause frowned. "Do you believe you are strong enough?" Morgause asked.

Morgana appreciated that Morgause was sincerely giving her a choice. If it had been anyone else, they would have told her she was not experienced enough, they wouldn't have given her request a second thought. "I do," she said confidently.

As the sun rose they walked towards Camelot. Morgana's heart beating in her chest. It had been nearly three months since she had left with Arthur to try and rescue Merlin, but it seemed like so much longer. Morgana dreaded going back, but she knew she had to.

"Morgana," Morgause called. Morgana looked over at her and realized that she must have called her name too many times. "Are you alright?"

Morgana nodded. "I'm just worried about going back," Morgana told her honestly.

Morgause looked at her sympathetically. "If it becomes too much or if you've reached your limit, you let me know. We'll get you out of there," Morgause promised her. She took a step closer to Morgana and put her hand on her shoulder. "You'll be safe."

Despite her words, Morgana didn't feel any better. She knew that she was crossing some kind of line by helping with the assassination of Uther. Arthur would never forgive her. But she truly felt she was doing the right thing.

It pained her to know there was no going back from this. The only thing that gave her any reservation was knowing the effect it would have on Arthur and Merlin. It almost made her change her mind. Almost, but not quite. She couldn't think of herself, she had to think of the thousands of people that Uther persecuted. If all went according to plan, she wouldn't even see them. Morgana thought about the books with the names of Uther's victims and all thoughts of Arthur and Merlin were wiped from her mind.

She formed her face into a neutral mask as Morgause gave the orders for her knights to attack. Their part in it would come soon. Morgause had made sure Morgana understood what her part would be in the attack and it wasn't in the throes of battle. The knights were a distraction. Morgana and Morgause would enter Camelot on the opposite side of the fight. Uther would be unprotected.

Once she felt that the knights of Camelot were sufficiently distracted, Morgause gently guided Morgana where they were going. Morgana knew of many entrances into the castle, but the one they had chosen was the servants' entrance. There shouldn't be any servants still working at this hour, so their path should be clear.

Once they were safely in the darkness of a long unlit corridor, Morgause whispered something under her breath. Her brow furrowed as she whispered the spell once more. "No," Morgause muttered.

"What is it?" Morgana asked.

"Uther. I cannot detect him," Morgause explained. There was a fury in her eyes that Morgana rarely saw. "That will be Merlin's doing. He could be anywhere."

Morgana prayed that Merlin never crossed their path, because she knew Morgause would kill him for this. Morgana tried to think of something that could save the situation. "I may know where he is," Morgana whispered, the realization filling her with hope. "In the past, if he is not engaging in battle, he is sent to his chambers with two guards outside."

"I hope you are right or this effort will have been for nothing," Morgause told her solemnly.

"This way," Morgana told her as she began to walk again. "We can avoid the guards until we get to the corridor to Uther's chambers."

They were still careful as they walked. They stayed in the shadows the best that they could and ducked into alcoves at the slightest out-of-place noise. This made their journey much longer than they had anticipated. By the time they were hiding around the corner from Uther's chambers, Morgana's heart was beating so loudly in her chest she was surprised no one could hear her.

Morgause peeked around the corner. "There are only two guards," Morgause told her before she stepped out into the open corridor. Morgana closed her eyes, but could not ignore the sound of metal piercing flesh or the grunts of pain the guards let out as they were killed. When she heard the second thud of something heavy falling to the ground, she opened her eyes. She understood why Morgause had done it, but she had never managed to acquire the pleasure Morgause seemed to get from killing. Morgana hated the idea that innocent men had lost their lives, but she had known that was a risk of what they were trying to do.

Morgause pushed open the door, not trying to be silent. Morgana entered and stood to the side of her. Uther looked up, a stony expression on his face when he recognized them. He didn't take his eyes off of Morgana. Morgause used this to her advantage and began to slowly walk towards the wall. "What has become of you?" Uther asked. His voice almost sounded broken.

"I am what you have made me," Morgana said evenly. She knew she needed to keep distracting Uther so Morgause could get to him. She was slowly circling the chambers to approach Uther from behind. Morgana knew this part of the plan well and she knew what the repercussions would be if Uther noticed Morgause too soon. "Your hatred and your ignorance were always your worst qualities Uther Pendragon. You have hunted and killed my kind."

"Your kind," Uther sneered. "What do you mean by your kind?"

"You know what I mean," Morgana told him. "I have magic, but that makes me no less good and no less a person."

"That's where you are wrong. You have played with fire and it has burned away all the good that used to be in you," Uther told her. He hated what she had become. He hated that magic had managed to corrupt her at the very heart of Camelot.

"It hasn't burned away my good. It has given it the fuel to grow," Morgana contradicted. She saw Morgause behind Uther, her sword prepared to impale him. "One day, I will be accepted for my magic. Unfortunately for you, you will never live to see that day."

With that, Morgause thrust her sword into Uther's back. Morgana could see the tip of the blade protruding from his stomach. Morgana had expected to feel relieved or happy that Uther was finally gone, but she just felt empty. Even though they had achieved what they set out to do, it didn't feel like a victory.

"No!" A cry came from behind her. Morgana turned to see Arthur. Merlin was standing behind him, a neutral expression on his face. For a moment, time seemed to stand still as Arthur stared at Morgana and Morgana stared back. Morgana could see him try to process what had happened. She felt sick to her stomach as she saw the grief he was trying to ward off. As the reality hit him, Arthur's expression hardened and he drew his sword. "You made a mistake in coming here tonight."


	12. Crossing the Line

**Story 24: I'm Sorry**

 **Chapter 12: Crossing the Line**

Morgana felt as if her limbs were turning to lead. She wasn't sure she could make herself move if she wanted to. She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. It was better that way. There was nothing she could say to make this better. The betrayal she saw on Arthur's face twisted her heart. She had been so certain of her decision until that exact moment, now she wished she had never asked Morgause if she could go with her.

Morgause stepped in front of her, cutting off her view of Arthur. Now she could only see Merlin which was worse, so much worse. She almost wished he had some kind of expression on his face, because anything would be better than the mask of neutrality he wore right now.

Even more alarming than the neutrality in his expression, was the haunted look to his face. There were thick bags under his eyes as if he hadn't been sleeping and he looked paler than Morgana remembered. It seemed strange to her that he wasn't showing any emotion. She felt as if his eyes should reflect some kind of anguish or inner turmoil, but they were blank. They almost looked duller than she remembered.

Morgana wondered what had happened to make him look like this.

Before Morgana had a chance to form any kind of coherent sentence, Morgause spoke. "Merlin. I was hoping I would run into you. Long time, no see. How are those nightmares?" Morgause asked.

Both Morgana and Arthur turned to look at Merlin. Morgana felt horrified. She thought when Merlin and Arthur had left that had been the end of it, but Morgause's cruelty had extended far beyond the torture that had taken place in the fortress. Morgana closed her eyes. She couldn't take it anymore. She had known that Morgause had a side of her that was cruel and unforgiving, but she hadn't expected this.

"Is this why you haven't been sleeping?" Arthur asked him. "You told me that you were just upset about Morgana."

"Don't worry about it," Merlin told him evenly. He looked straight at Morgause. "Nothing you do can hurt me. You cannot break me."

"I think both of us know that is not true. You thought your little spell would be able to protect Uther, but you were wrong there," Morgause taunted him.

"I think that had more to do with the help you received than the magic you used," Merlin told her. If nothing else, he was confident in the power he held. He knew nothing could break the protective enchantment he placed on Uther.

Maintaining the mask of neutrality, Merlin looked towards Morgana. She craved for some type of expression, because the man standing before her was nearly unrecognizable without the light dancing in his eyes. Even if that light were a spark of anger, Morgana would take it over this.

"Why?" Morgause asked, her eyes flashing with anger. "Do you believe your petty magic tricks are anything compared to my power?"

"What?" Arthur asked, his brow furrowing. Morgause's words didn't make sense to him.

"Oh, I suppose you wouldn't know, would you?" Morgause asked. Her voice was filled with mock surprise. "Your faithful servant, the man you've trusted so much is a sorcerer. Did Merlin leave that little piece of information out?"

"Merlin, tell me she's lying," Arthur said. He didn't take his eyes off of Morgause as he spoke.

"Arthur… I can explain…" Merlin started to say. He closed his eyes. He couldn't explain, not really. If his magic had been revealed at a different time, he might have been granted the luxury of explaining it to Arthur, but Arthur had just watched his father get killed by two sorceresses. He wasn't about to trust the word of a sorcerer. This was straight from one of the nightmares he had had every night since Morgana had stayed with Morgause.

"Why don't you explain?" Morgause asked him. "Why don't you tell him that the reason you haven't been sleeping is because every night you go to sleep and you dream about him killing you? Why don't you tell him that the nightmares could go away if you just stopped using magic?"

Merlin stared at her, his jaw set. "Is she telling the truth?" Arthur asked him quietly. "Are these nightmares onset by you using magic?"

"Yes," Merlin answered honestly. He couldn't bring himself to look at Arthur. "Each day I use magic, I go to sleep just to have a nightmare.

"Then why don't you stop?" Arthur roared. "Is it worth it?" Merlin didn't answer. He hoped that this was just another nightmare and that he would wake up soon, but it was too real.

"You see? He doesn't deny it. He would rather practice the very thing you hate, right under your nose then stop having nightmares. How does that make you feel? Angry? Betrayed?" Morgause taunted.

"Stop it." Morgana was surprised to hear the words leave her, but it was too much. Merlin's neutral expression dropped and utter anguish contorted his features. Anguish that wasn't just onset by nightmares. Morgana wondered what exactly he had been through to create that look on his face. Morgana had never seen anything so broken before. "Just… Just leave him alone."

"I suppose it doesn't matter," Morgause reflected. She ignored Morgana's request. "You, Arthur Pendragon, will not live long enough for these feelings to have any merit."

Merlin immediately took a step in front of Arthur. "If you want to get to Arthur, you'll have to go through me," Merlin told her. His move wasn't one of bravery, but one of cowardice. He had finally been broken. From the moment that Morgause had approached him when he had been kidnapped by Alvarr, she had promised him she would break him. She had finally fulfilled her promise and Merlin just wanted it to be over. The nightmares, the pain. He didn't want them anymore.

"So be it," Morgause promised.

"Morgause, please. Don't do this," Morgana begged.

"He's not leaving me any choice," Morgause told her. She extended her hand. "Oferswinge!" Her yell echoed around Uther's chambers.

Merlin flew back into the wall and his head hit the wall with a sickening crunch. He fell to the ground in a heap that no person would ever be comfortable in. He didn't move. In that instant, Morgana knew. She had found her line. She would not sit by as Morgause tried to kill Arthur. He had been a brother to her since her father was killed in battle. And Merlin had been so much more. He had done everything for Morgana and she had never acknowledged it. He deserved better than what she had done to him. Morgana glanced over where Merlin's body was crumpled on the ground. He wasn't dead yet, but he would be soon.

Tears formed in her eyes as she studied him. Once, she had chosen Morgause over Merlin. She thought that she was doing the right thing at the time. Now, she knew how blinded she had been by the promise of family. She found herself moving.

"I'm sorry," Morgana said, facing Morgause. She stood between her and Merlin. Her cheeks were damp from her tears. "I think I've finally found my limit." Morgana closed her eyes. There was a spell that she had practiced on plants and small animals. She had only practiced it a couple of times, but she knew it would get the job done. "Acwele."

She didn't need to look to know that Morgause would crumple to the ground. The spell caused instantaneous death. She didn't need to look to see the betrayal that would forever be preserved in Morgause's final expression. She didn't need to look, because she didn't care. She had expected to feel a loss so consuming that she wouldn't be able to breathe, but she didn't. She pondered her confusing emotions for a moment before she shook her head. She supposed it didn't matter.

The only thing that mattered was that she had made her choice. No matter how broken, she chose Merlin.


	13. Healing Powers

**Story 24: I'm Sorry**

 **Chapter 13: Healing Powers**

When Morgana finally looked at her sister she expected to be overwhelmed by guilt and sorrow, but she felt nothing. Morgause had stopped being her family the moment she had made her choose. It had taken Morgana a long time to realize that. A moan behind her reminded her that this was not a private moment for reflection. Morgana turned to look at Arthur. Arthur looked back and forth between Merlin and Morgause several times before he settled on Morgana. She was conscious enough to give him some answers.

"What did Morgause mean?" Arthur asked quietly. Morgana looked at him blankly. "When she said Merlin put a spell on my father, what did she mean?" Arthur's glance drifted to his father's body. It was difficult to believe that someone that commanded such a presence in life, could look so small in death. Arthur half-expected this to be some kind of elaborate trick, but his father didn't have a sense of humor, so he knew it wasn't.

"He knew we were coming," Morgana said, her voice barely audible. "He put a spell on Uther so Morgause would not be able to find him by magical means. She tried, but her spell didn't work. It almost stopped, but I knew where he would be."

"You're saying Merlin almost saved my father?" Arthur asked surprised. Morgana couldn't quite tell if that changed anything. Arthur had been through so much today. Morgana knew from experience that when Arthur was upset, he acted impulsively. She wondered if this was his way of giving Merlin a chance instead of immediately condemning him to death. She hoped so. It was too late for her, but Merlin would never have done something to harm Arthur. She only hoped she could convince Arthur of that.

"He tried to," Morgana said.

"But why?" Arthur asked confused. He glanced over at Merlin. He could hear his labored breathing. "Why didn't he just kill my father and get it over with. Surely that's what you all wanted."

"Merlin never would have done that," Morgana whispered. She looked down at the floor. "When I took the crystal, he told me that to kill Uther would be to sink to his level. Merlin may have lied to you, but he would never see you or your father come to any harm. He always wanted what was best for you."

"How am I to believe that?" Arthur asked. "How am I to trust anything either of you say, especially after what you just did. You killed my father!" Arthur's yell echoed around his chambers. Morgana was surprised that no one heard them, then she remembered the dead guards and the fight happening outside.

"I know what I did and I will accept the consequences of my actions. I regret my role in Uther's death, but my guilt does not change Merlin's innocence," Morgana told him sharply. Arthur stared at Merlin's crumpled body for several moments. His ragged breaths came in time with the slight rise and fall of his chest. Morgana couldn't figure out what Arthur was thinking and as the minutes ticked by, she became more and more anxious.

"Heal him," Arthur ordered her.

"What?" Morgana asked, barely able to believe her ears.

"Heal him," Arthur repeated.

"I don't know any spell powerful enough," Morgana told him. Tears leaked from her eyes and she quickly wiped them away. Morgause had not taught her many healing spells.

"Please. Just try something," Arthur said. "He is the one thing that has always been constant in my life. Aside from this, he was always brutally honest with me. He was always there for me. Magic or not, I'll not see him die. He tried to save my father, which makes no sense to me, but I know you were telling the truth. Now heal him."

Morgana slowly walked towards Merlin and winced at the dried blood on the back of his head. She placed her hand over his head and called on all of the magic she possessed. "Gestepe hole. Purhhaele!" Morgana yelled. It was the only spell she knew by heart. She knew it was not powerful enough to heal him, but as she felt her magic flow through her, she tried to shape it to her command.

It wasn't something she had ever tried to do before. Magic was inconsistent, almost like water. It was nearly impossible to shape, but she had to try. When her magic had done all it could she opened her eyes. Merlin's breath was still ragged, but some color had returned to his face.

She feared it wouldn't be enough, but then his eyelids fluttered several times before they opened to reveal his blue eyes. Morgana didn't think. She just let her relief fuel her actions. She gently helped Merlin up into a sitting position and brought her lips to his.

Her brain caught up with her body a couple of seconds later and her eyes widened with horror. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I thought that you might die."

Merlin stared at her amazed. Unlike Morgana's, his actions were carefully calculated as he reached one hand up to caress the side of her cheek. He brought his lips to hers and closed his eyes. He felt weak from months of little sleep and from getting thrown around my Morgause, but he felt if he had this kiss, he had something to keep fighting for.

They broke apart at the sound of an uncomfortable cough. Merlin looked into Morgana's eyes. "We'll talk later," he promised her. He felt more alive than he had felt in a long time. He knew that later they would have to talk about everything that had happened and he would have to figure out if he could move past everything she had done, but he didn't want to think about that right now.

Morgana got to her feet and helped Merlin to his. He stumbled a little, but after a moment he managed to find his balance. He looked over at Arthur. The euphoria he had been feeling vanished. "Arthur… I…" He started to say.

Arthur held up his hand. "Don't," he said. "I need you to leave. Both of you. I need time to think and reflect on everything I have learned. Stay in your chambers until I call for you. Know this, if you flee, I will hunt you down personally and kill you. Are we understood?"

"Yes sire," Merlin said obediently. He bowed before he started to leave.

"My lord?" Morgana asked in a shaky voice.

"Yes?" Arthur asked. He looked grief stricken and exhausted.

"I will accompany Merlin to his chambers," Morgana told him.

"I'm not sure that is wise," Arthur told her.

"Regardless, it is what I wish to do," Morgana told him.

"Very well," Arthur told her. He turned to face his father and he could feel his composure breaking. He regretted that he never got to make things right with his father. He had behaved like a child since he found out about his father's infidelity and now it was too late to act like an adult.

Merlin guided Morgana out before she could say anything else. When the door closed behind her, he explained. "He needs to be alone with his father," he told her. He understood that the only reason Arthur didn't immediately pass judgement is because he first needed to process his father's death. He looked at the closed door as if he could see through it. "Go to my chambers. You can stay there. I need a moment alone. I need to think."

Morgana bit her lip and nodded. She understood that Merlin needed time to come to terms with everything that had happened, she just feared that it would give him the opportunity to decide that what she had done was unforgiveable.

Morgana walked away with a heavy heart. When she arrived back at Merlin's chambers, Gaius looked shocked to see her. There were men everywhere in various states of injury. "Merlin sent me here," she told him. "He's alright, he's with Arthur. She looked around at the knights, unsure if she should tell them. She figured they would find out sooner or later, might as well make it sooner. "Uther is dead." The silence that fell was immeasurable. It nearly crushed Morgana. This silence and the shock on every face she saw, was her own fault. She had caused this.

Gaius looked down at the floor, sorrow contorting his features. He may have disagreed with the king, but Uther had been his friend. "Is Arthur injured?" Gaius asked.

"No. he just wished to be alone with his father," Morgana told him. Gaius nodded and turned back to the man he had been bandaging. Now more than ever, he needed to bury himself in his work. "How can I help?" Morgana was desperate for any distraction that would help her with her guilt.

With that Morgana and Gaius lost themselves in the aftermath of battle. It seemed as if the moment they had finished patching someone up, another person took their place. Neither of them minded though. It was better than facing the truth. There were no powers strong enough to heal what they were feeling.


	14. Forgive and Forget

**Story 24: I'm Sorry**

 **Chapter 14: Forgive and Forget**

Long into the morning, Morgana and Gaius worked. The sun had risen before the battle had ended and hours passed after that as knights trickled in. Morgana and Gaius never asked how many lives had been lost, because they didn't need to. They knew from the somber expressions that many men had fallen on both sides.

While Morgana and Gaius worked, Merlin sat outside Uther's chambers where Arthur was spending one last night to pay his respects. Merlin knew Arthur would likely be furious when he left Uther's chambers, but he didn't care. Merlin knew Arthur better than he knew himself, so he knew how utterly alone Arthur would feel right now. If he couldn't be by Arthur's side, this was the least he could do.

Plus, Merlin had an awful lot to think about. He loved Morgana with all of his heart, but she had played an integral role in Uther's death. Merlin wasn't sure if he could forgive her for that, but he also wasn't sure if he could survive if he didn't forgive her. He had never been so happy as when Morgana had kissed him. For a brief moment he had forgotten that Arthur knew about his magic and that Uther was dead. He had allowed himself to live in the moment with Morgana.

He groaned and rubbed his eyes. Why couldn't anything ever be cut and dry. He felt like there was no right answer and that no matter what he chose, he would lose. Hr looked up at the ceiling. He knew if he were in Morgana's position he would want forgiveness. Heck, all he really wanted was for Arthur to accept him for his magic and forgive him for lying to him. So he knew exactly how Morgana felt. He just wasn't sure he could do it.

Merlin wasn't sure when Arthur finally exited Uther's chambers, he just knew that the sun had started peeking through the windows hours before. He heard Arthur's voice before he saw him. "Were you out here all night?" Arthur asked him. Merlin looked up at him. His exhaustion weighed heavily on him, but he didn't dare try to sleep. Not after the magic he wielded earlier to protect Uther.

Merlin simply nodded. "I didn't want you to feel that you were alone," he explained.

Arthur nodded curtly, his face neutral. "I must make arrangements for my father. Then you and I, we have much to talk about," Arthur told him.

"I'll be tidying your chambers Sire," Merlin said.

Arthur walked off. He had known this day would come, but he hadn't anticipated it coming so soon. He had been trained on what to do if his father was killed in battle, but that didn't make his preparation any easier.

Merlin stayed in his chambers, occupying his time with everything that needed to be done. Something about the physical labor he was doing helped him clear his mind. He forced himself to consider two futures - the one where he chose Morgana and the one where he did not. Once he had considered that, he realized that he never really had a choice. He could no more leave Morgana than leave Arthur. He loved her.

That realization hit him harder than anything had. He had never been for love. He had seen the effect a broken heart could have on someone. He had been raised to believe that love was a sacred bond and that it wasn't to be taken lightly. He had never really expected to find a true love. He felt so at peace with that knowledge. After that, Merlin completed his chores with a renewed vigor. He was only now beginning to realize how poorly he had been performing his duties. It was a miracle that Arthur hadn't dismissed him.

Hours passed before Arthur returned to his spotless chambers. There was food on his table letting off an aroma that made his mouth water. Merlin was putting his newly cleaned clothes away in the wardrobe.

"Are you alright?" Merlin asked him as he sat down at the table.

Arthur shook his head. "No," he said honestly. "I don't see how I'll ever be able to live up to my father's legacy. I feel as if I should have had so much more time to learn from him." Arthur was surprised by his honesty, but he supposed grief did strange things to people.

Merlin frowned. "Time is not a luxury you are being granted. I'm sorry it happened this way, but I have no fears about you taking up the crown," Merlin told him.

"Why is that?" Arthur asked.

"Because I've seen the way you treat your people. You are kind and merciful where your father was strict and wrathful," Merlin told him evenly. "I do not mean to belittle the memory of your father. He did what he thought was right in the circumstances he was put in, but in the process he hardened himself to his people. You haven't done that and I don't believe you will. Your love has always been the thing your people admired most about you. You care and they know it."

"You're too kind Merlin," Arthur told him. He felt a little embarrassed.

"Or perhaps not kind enough. You're going to make a great king Arthur," Merlin promised him.

"If you believe that, then why did you try to save my father?" Arthur asked him. It was one of the many questions that had been swirling around in his mind. He felt as if the questions were banging on his skull demanding to be asked.

"Sorry?" Merlin asked uncertainly.

"Why did you try to save him? You of all people have every reason to hate my father, but you never tried to kill him. Why?" Arthur asked.

"It wouldn't be right. I may disagree with many of his decisions, but Gaius has helped me see where those decisions may have come from. Besides, he was your father," Merlin explained. He had a distant look in his eyes. "I know you cared dearly for him."

Arthur looked at the ground. He felt like he was being crushed by his despair. His despair fought his betrayal making him feel like a human battle field. They both demanded to be felt and he didn't know which one took priority.

He glanced at Merlin and knew that he wouldn't be able to last another moment without getting Merlin's side of the story. "Morgause said that your nightmares are triggered by you using magic. Why do you still practice it?" Arthur asked him.

"Because I have no other choice. Morgause's attack on you and your father has been relentless. I was placing protective enchantments over both of you that would prevent Morgause from being able to scry you or locate you. Basically, you would be invisible to her magic," Merlin explained. "That spell needed to be reapplied every day and I couldn't risk skipping a day."

"You have gone all these sleepless nights to protect me?" Arthur asked uncertainly. It was a strange concept to Arthur. Merlin had always been an extraordinarily faithful servant. Arthur was beginning to see that his magic didn't take away from that, but magnified it.

Merlin shrugged. "What is the life of a servant compared to that of a prince?" He asked.

"Your life is worth every bit as much as mine," Arthur told him. He was startled by that realization. He had spent his entire life believing he was better than almost everyone around him, now he realized he had been lying to himself. He signed off on documents and started wars that killed countless men, while people like Merlin stayed in the background saving people. If he had to ask himself which life was worth more, it was Merlin's.

"It's not. I've lied to you and betrayed you. I am so sorry Arthur," Merlin told him seriously.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Arthur told him with a shrug. "It is I who should be apologizing. I was not the prince I took an oath to be. I promised to treat all people equal whether they were of noble blood or a servant. I haven't upheld that promise with you and I am sorry for that."

"Forgive and forget," Merlin said quietly. A small smile played on his lips. "That's what my mother used to say to me when I was being picked on as a child. She would tell me to forgive and forget."

"Forgive and forget," Arthur repeated. "I don't know about the forget part, but there is nothing to forgive." Arthur paused, trying to figure out how to word what he needed to say. "I don't want to say we need to start over, because I don't want to forget everything that came out of this, but things need to be different on both ends."

"No more lies?" Merlin guessed.

Arthur nodded. "And I will try to be the king my people deserve," Arthur said. "And that includes you."

Merlin felt the corners of his mouth twitching as he fought a smile. He was so incredibly proud of the strides Arthur had taken to be a good king. Merlin's last thought before he left was, long live the king.


	15. Epilogue

**Story 24: I'm Sorry**

 **Epilogue**

Arthur avoided Morgana for weeks after that. He knew that if he saw her, he would not be able to control his words and this was most definitely a conversation he needed to remain calm for. If only to prevent Merlin from turning him into a toad. Arthur almost felt bad for Merlin. They had yet to discover a way to stop the nightmares that Morgause had cursed him with. It had gotten so bad that Morgana refused to let him help her look for a cure. This resulted in Merlin spending much of his time moping around Arthur's chambers.

Arthur didn't mind. After everything Merlin had done for him, he knew he had no right to complain. It was almost nice to have Merlin around. It gave him the chance to learn more about his magic and to understand him better. Arthur hadn't realized how much Merlin had sacrificed for him and the more he learned, the more he made strides towards being worthy of Merlin's sacrifices.

Merlin had been endlessly patient with Arthur. He hadn't mentioned Morgana or Uther in nearly six weeks. Arthur had known that his patience would thin out eventually, so when he returned from training to see Merlin sitting at his table with a neutral expression on his face, he knew that time had come.

That didn't mean he was going to be an adult about it. He may be the King of Camelot, but behind closed doors he was just Arthur. He could behave in any manner he wished. Arthur began to cross his chambers, ignoring Merlin's stony expression.

"Stop," Merlin said quietly. His voice was barely a whisper, but he had a way of making Arthur feel like he was shouting at him.

Arthur closed his eyes, but didn't move further away from Merlin.

"I know that you are still in a strange place, but you need to at least speak with Morgana. I'm not going to tell you to forgive her, because only you have the right to make that decision. What I will tell you is that I wish to marry her and I cannot ask her when she spends every minute of every day obsessing over another man. So please, talk to her," Merlin said to him.

Arthur slowly turned to face Merlin. He was shocked. He had known that they had kissed that one time, but he had spent the time since avoiding any mention of Morgana. He hadn't realized that their relationship had continued to bloom. He didn't know how to feel about this. He felt like Merlin could do so much better, but at the same time he thought Merlin and Morgana were a match made in heaven.

"Marry her," Arthur said breathlessly.

"I love her," Merlin told him seriously. "I tried not to. After everything she's done, I really tried not to, but I can't help it. She understands me better than anyone. And despite what she did, she tries every day to be better. I haven't spoken to her about this, because I don't think she'd hear me."

"What do you mean?" Arthur asked confused.

"I mean that she's rather preoccupied. Between trying to find a way to stop these nightmares and fretting over you, she doesn't have room for me," Merlin told him.

"I'm sure that's not true," Arhtur argued. "Have you tried talking to her about this?"

"Yes," Merlin said honestly. "And every single time she redirects to you. I swear, if you weren't her half-brother, I'd be worried. Not that she knows that yet."

Arthur wished he could tell Merlin he was being foolish, but he knew he wasn't. He had witnessed how stubborn Morgana could be. If she set her mind to something, she noticed little else. "I don't know that I'm pleased about your relationship with her, but I'll speak with her. I owe it to you," Arthur said quietly. He was dreading this conversation. He had no idea what he would say. One look at Merlin and Arthur began to walk towards the door. "Right now. I'll speak with her right now."

"She's with Gaius," Merlin told him.

Arthur sighed as he stepped out into the corridor. It wasn't fair that he had to do this. He wished he could have just one more day to think about this, but he knew he owed it to Merlin. He practically dragged his feet as he made the familiar walk to Gaius' chambers.

Arthur took a deep breath before he entered Gaius' chambers. The last time he had been here, it was while Gaius was preparing his father for burial. Arthur had known that Uther would not have wanted to his people to see him bloody and beaten. He would have wanted to appear strong and intimidating even in death. Arthur wasn't going to deny him that.

He was almost a little surprised to see Gaius dozing off at the table while Morgana was intently reading a book. "If you're going to try to help, I've made my opinion of the matter quite clear," Morgana said without looking up.

"I'm not so sure you have," Arthur said softly.

He watched as Morgana stiffened. She didn't turn to face him, but he could picture how her pale face would become even paler and the uncertainty that would twist her features. "What are you doing here?" Morgana asked. She sounded as if every word were difficult to get out.

"I need to talk to you," Arthur told her. He wasn't sure who was more uncomfortable in that moment.

"About?" Morgana asked.

"Everything," Arthur said seriously. "You, my father, Merlin. This conversation is long overdue."

"Perhaps," Morgana agreed. She turned to face Arthur for the first time. She looked different than Arthur had imagined. He didn't know what he had expected. Maybe he thought he would see guilt that was physically eating away at her or the same haunted look in her eyes that he had seen in Merlin's.

Instead, he saw a strong woman with determination etched into her every contour. He was almost envious of her. He wished he could feel that at peace with himself. "You look good," Arthur commented.

Morgana shrugged. "It's amazing what weight is lifted off of your shoulders when you stop pretending to be something you're not," Morgana told him.

Arthur wasn't sure if he was imagining it, but he almost felt as if Morgana were talking about him. He chewed his lip a little bit as he considered the words he needed to say. "I wish to feel that free, I just don't know how," he admitted. He hated to make himself vulnerable to her.

"One thing that I found was immensely helpful was Merlin," Morgana told him. "When I was feeling overwhelmed, he was always there. He's wiser and more sympathetic than you give him credit for."

"It's not Merlin that's causing this," Arthur said bluntly. "He did not take my father from me. He did not turn his back on me. He did not betray me."

"Neither did I," Morgana said evenly. "I know what you think of me and I understand why, but I did not betray you. I made a mistake."

"One that cost my father his life!" Arthur said outraged. Gaius snored and for a second, Arthur feared he had woken him. He wasn't so sure that it would have been a bad thing. Gaius was old and couldn't possibly be comfortable sleeping hunched over like that.

"Leave him," Morgana said tiredly. "He's barely slept since your father died. I try not to wake him when he's finally sleeping."

Arthur nodded, accepting that Morgana was probably right. "We should probably speak in Merlin's chambers," Arthur suggested. Unlike Morgana, Gaius' fatigue was obvious even as he slept. He almost looked like he didn't have the energy to sleep. It was frightening.

"And get rid of my only witness? I think not," Morgana warned him.

"What exactly is it that you think I'm going to do?" Arthur asked her.

"You blame me for the death of your father and you really have to ask me that question?" Morgana voice quivered a little, the only sign that she was even remotely frightened.

"You're right. Shall I go fetch one of my knights to supervise this conversation? Let's see how long it takes them to run you through." Morgana winced at Arthur's blunt words. Arthur took a breath to calm himself down. He couldn't take his frustrations out on her. He had promised Merlin he would sincerely talk to her. "Sorry… I just... I don't…"

Morgana nodded. "I understand," she said softly. And she truly could. She had spent weeks obsessing over this. She had put herself in Arthur's shoes so many times to try to understand him. "Let's speak out in the corridor." She didn't give Arthur a chance to object. There weren't any people outside of Gaius' chambers, but at least she would be able to run away if she needed to.

Once Arthur had closed the door behind him, Morgana turned to him. "You said you wanted to talk, so talk. But I'm not about to stand here and listen to you yell at me," Morgana warned him.

Perhaps it was because they were out in the cool corridor or that they had been removed from the last place Arthur had ever seen his father's body, but Arthur suddenly felt capable of having a calm conversation with Morgana. "I need to know why you helped Morgause," Arthur said quietly.

"Because she said she wanted to help me and I believed her. She was my sister, my only family. If I couldn't trust her, who else could I trust? I didn't realize that she was using me for her own gain. She wanted your father dead and I could understand why. He never loved his people and if they studied magic he despised them. We needed his support, but instead he hunted down my people and killed them. You cannot blame Morgause for wanting him dead, nor me for supporting her," Morgana told him. "I learned much about the history of magic and the more I learned, the more I realized just how evil Uther was. I know you loved him dearly, but he was not a good man." Morgana closed her eyes briefly. "If it helps at all, I wish he were still alive just to spare you the pain you are feeling."

Arthur looked away from Morgana. He wished that that changed things, but it wouldn't bring his father back. "I'm sorry. I just don't know how to forgive you," Arthur told her. Part of him sincerely wanted to forgive her, he just didn't know how to.

"Then don't," Morgana suggested. "You cannot forgive me for the death of your father, so don't. I don't expect you to. Heaven knows I never forgave Uther for the death of my father, but there are ways to move past this."

Arthur squirmed uncomfortably. He should have told her. He should have told her weeks ago. She had a right to this information as much as he had, but he hadn't been able to do it. Right after his father died didn't seem like the right time, but he should have told her all the same. "Morgana…" Arthur started to say.

"Don't you dare tell me that this is different Arthur Pendragon," Morgana warned. "Your father sent my father to battle, promising reinforcements. He knew they didn't stand a chance without them, yet he sent none. He might as well have dealt the fatal blow himself."

"My father did not kill your father," Arthur said. He wasn't sure he could say the words out loud. He could feel the strangest burning sensation in his throat and he realized he was close to crying.

"How can you defend him?" Morgana asked. "I understand he was your father, but that doesn't mean he was perfect."

"That's not what I meant," Arthur told her. He could barely hear himself speak, he wasn't sure Morgana could actually hear him. "I know for a fact that my father didn't kill your father."

"And what makes you so certain?" Morgana asked angrily.

"My father is your father," Arthur told her. He finally brought his eyes up to meet hers just in time to watch the fight leave her body. Clearly whatever she had been expecting, it hadn't been that.

"Y-you are certain?" Morgana asked. Her voice was shaking.

"I am. He told me himself. Right after you stayed with Morgause. 'No daughter of mine can have magic.' That's what he told me," Arthur told her.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Morgana asked. Arthur raised his eyebrow at her and Morgana nodded. "I suppose that was a stupid question. I can't believe this."

"I could hardly believe it myself," Arthur told her. He sighed. "You were right when you said I cannot forgive you and I may never forgive you, but I understand. Uther destroyed the only life you had knowledge of and lied to you your entire life. I understand why you might have hated him. For a long time after I found out, I think I hated him a little too."

"Where does that leave us?" Morgana asked him.

"I don't want to start over," Arthur told her seriously. "But I would like to start. We've never really been good to each other. We've always been family, but we've never really acted like it. And now, we're the only family we've got."

"We've got Merlin," Morgana pointed out. "You know he'll never leave us."

"God help us," Arthur joked.

Morgana chuckled. "I agree though," Morgana told him. "I would like to start as well."

"It won't be easy," Arthur warned her.

"Nothing about us ever is," Morgana pointed out. A tear fell down her cheek. "Thank you. You have no idea what this means to me."

Arthur didn't know what to say, so he coughed uncomfortably and changed the subject. "What were you working on when I got here?" He asked.

"The same thing I've been working on," Morgana said. She reentered Gaius' chambers with Arthur on her heels. "Whatever Morgause did to Merlin didn't wear off when she died. We don't know why or how such magic is possible."

"What do you mean?" Arthur asked confused.

"Well, magic needs a source to keep working, especially a spell like the one that was put on Merlin. At first we believe that it was feeding off of Merlin, but magic like that leaves a mark and Merlin wasn't marked," Morgana explained. "If we cannot find the source of the magic, then we cannot stop it and nothing has worked to alleviate the nightmares. Believe me, we've tried everything."

"So if it's not feeding off of Merlin then who is it feeding off of?" Arthur asked confused.

"That's what we've been trying to figure out. It has to be someone that Merlin is always close to, someone that Morgause would have had access to. We tested Gaius, but it wasn't him," Morgana explained.

Arthur studied her for a moment, wondering how she hadn't come to the same realization he had. "It's me," he told her. He didn't know how he knew, but he had never been more certain of anything in his life. "The one person that Morgause knows Merlin would never leave is me."

Morgana's eyes widened. "Sit," she ordered abruptly. She began bustling around Gaius' chambers chopping up random things and grinding others. She threw everything together and Arthur could see no order behind anything she was doing. While Morgana was moving about, she knocked over a tin bowl and it clattered loudly to the ground.

Gaius startled awake and looked around confused. Morgana offered him no explanation. "Good, you're awake. I need your help," Morgana told him abruptly.

Arthur was almost surprised to see that Gaius immediately jumped into the fray, taking orders from Morgana like it was second nature to him. He supposed that this must have been how they have been working together these past several weeks.

Within minutes, they had prepared a really foul smelling potion that Arthur hoped he would not have to drink. Luck was not on his side. "You have to drink the entire thing," Morgana warned him. "If you leave too much behind, the spell will not work and we'll have to start all over again."

Arthur nodded. He closed his eyes, prepared to down the entire potion in one gulp when the door to Gaius' chambers opened. He almost felt a little guilty at the relief he felt. At least he could prolong this moment.

"What are you doing here?" Morgana asked. "I won't let you help if it means you're going to have nightmares."

"Arthur's been gone awhile. I just wanted to check on things," Merlin told her sincerely. "What's happening?"

"We think that maybe Arthur is the source that Morgause used," Morgana told him nervously. She knew Merlin wasn't going to be happy.

Merlin sighed. "I figured as much," he said grumpily.

"You knew?" Morgana and Arthur said at the same time.

"I figured it out a long time ago," Merlin admitted. "Morgause wanted to hurt me. This was the best way for her to do that."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Morgana asked angrily.

"You know perfectly well why. If it is him, it doesn't change anything," Merlin warned her.

"I can't watch you go on like this. If he's willing…" Morgana started to say.

"He can't possibly understand what we're asking of him," Merlin cut her off.

"He is sitting right here and would like to know what the hell you are talking about," Arthur said.

"It's dangerous. If it is you that is the source, stopping that power flow from you is risky. We would have to bring you to the brink of death. I'll not risk your life like that," Merlin warned him.

"I don't care what you have to do. I trust you. I know you won't let any harm come to me," Arthur told him.

"You could die," Merlin pointed out.

"You've saved my life enough times for me to know my time was up a long time ago. If this kills me then so be it. At least I'll die knowing that I saved a good man," Arthur told him.

"I can't…" Merlin started to say.

"This isn't your decision to make," Arthur told him. Arthur held his breath and downed the potion in one gulp. The moment the liquid was gone, Arthur felt the strangest sensation as if he were weightless.

"You were right," Morgana whispered. "It is you."

"How can you tell?" Arthur asked curiously.

"Look up," Morgana told him. Arthur looked up to see what looked like a cloud of wispy, black smoke above his head. "The smoke symbolizes fire. You are the fire that is fueling the spell."

Arthur nodded. He would be lying if he said he wasn't terrified. The fact that he had to almost die was frightening, but he also knew Merlin would never intentionally let harm come to him. "What now?"

"We're going to use the same potion we used when your father married that troll," Gaius told him. "It will bring you to the brink of death and when this mark fades, we'll give you the antidote."

Arthur suddenly understood what Merlin had meant when he said that Arthur could die. "How long will it take for the mark to go away?" Arhtur asked.

"We do not know," Gaius admitted. "We only know that when the mark is gone, you have gotten close enough to death for the spell to be broken. It could be seconds, but it could be minutes."

"It could also be there until you truly pass over," Merlin told him. "You don't have to do this."

"I know," Arthur told him. "But I want to do this. You've suffered so much because of me. It's the least I can do. Is the potion prepared?"

"It has been for some time my lord," Gaius told him. "Are you certain you wish to do this?"

"Yes," Arthur said confidently.

Gaius nodded. "Morgana, get Merlin away from here. Stay with him until I come for you," Gaius told her.

"What?" Merlin asked outraged. "No! I'm staying right here!"

"You two have much to talk about and I'll not have you interfering with my work," Gaius warned him. "I promise you Merlin, if time is running out and the mark has not faded I will give Arthur the antidote. I will not let him die."

"But," Merlin started to object.

"Gaius is right," Morgana said. "Let him work in peace. There's nothing more you can do right now."

"But," Merlin tried again.

"Merlin," Arthur said threateningly. "Don't forget why I came here."

Merlin look up at Arthur surprised. He sighed, knowing this was one argument he didn't have a chance of winning. "Don't think this means I won't be able to see you," Merlin warned.

"I would expect nothing less from you my boy," Gaius said with a small, affectionate smile.

Morgana ushered Merlin out of Gaius' chambers just as Arthur drank the liquid that would bring him to the brink of death. Gaius laid Arthur down comfortably and stared at the black smoke, hoping beyond hope that this would work.

Merlin followed Morgana back to her chambers. He had spent many nights there, simply because Morgana refused to allow him in Gaius' chambers when she was working. "What did Arthur mean?" Morgana asked him.

"I asked him to talk to you because there was something I needed to do and I couldn't do it until he had made peace with you," Merlin told her. His heart was beating in his ears and he wasn't entirely sure he would be able to ask her the question he had been dying to ask her.

"Which was?" Morgana asked uncertainly.

"How did your conversation go?" Merlin asked her, ignoring her question.

"Really well," Morgana told him. "Honestly, better than I had any right to expect. I think we're going to be okay." She couldn't help the relieved laugh that left her. "I really think that me and Arthur are going to be okay."

Merlin smiled at her. "I'm glad to hear that," he told her sincerely.

"Will we be?" Morgana asked him. All traces of her earlier amusement were gone.

"Will we be what?" Merlin asked her confused.

"Will we be alright?" Morgana asked him. Something felt heavy in her throat as she spoke.

"Morgana," Merlin started to say.

"Don't," Morgana told him. "Let me say what I need to say. You've been so distant lately and I understand that what I did was wrong, so if it was too much for you just tell me. I'll understand, I will."

"It wasn't too much for me," Merlin assured her. "If I've seemed distant lately, it's merely because that's what I needed to do to remove myself from temptation."

"I'm not following you," Morgana said, her eyebrows knitting together with confusion.

"You've had an incredible amount of stress put in front of you lately. I needed to wait for you and that was something I was willing to do," Merlin assured her.

"Do you remember how many times you've complained about the great dragon refusing to out-right say anything?" Morgana asked him. "You're doing that."

"That's because I don't know how to say it," Merlin explained. "I've never been trained in this." He looked up at her and studied her soft features and the endless blue in her eyes that he frequently lost himself in. It was there that he found the courage to say what he needed to say. He may not have the words, but he has the courage to try to find them. "I love you so much, more than I've ever loved anyone. I honestly believe that you remind me why I am here. You showed me that there is more to my life than Arthur and I would have gone mad long ago if it weren't for that."

"That's not true," Morgana argued.

"Believe me. It is," Merlin told her. "But more than that, you loved me when I believed no one would be able to do that. There is something I've wanted to ask you, but I wanted to wait until I knew your attention wouldn't be divided. It's the reason I've been so distant, because I'm still a man and the temptation to do something dishonorable was very strong."

"Are you saying that… That you want to…" Morgana started to ask. Her cheeks flushed a deep pink and she was unable to finish her thought.

"Yes," Merlin said honestly.

"But that would mean that you want to…" Morgana said. She

"Yes," Merlin repeated. "But in order to do that, I need an answer from you."

"I will give you an answer once you actually ask me the question," Morgana told him.

"Do you two ever get tired of this?" A new voice asked. "I've been listening for a while and you haven't said much of anything."

Merlin and Morgana both turned to see Arthur standing in the entrance. "You're alive," Merlin whispered.

Arthur nodded. "And curse free," he said with a smile. "The smoke disappeared before Gaius gave me the antidote. Now get on with it. Ask her."

"Morgana, will you…" Merlin started to say.

"Yes!" Morgana said eagerly. She wrapped her arms around Merlin and Arthur turned his back on them. He didn't need to see this.

He couldn't help but chuckle to himself. He didn't know how he had missed it before. The love they shared shone brighter than anything he had ever seen.

For the first time in weeks, Arthur felt something. It took him a long time to find a word for his feeling, because even when his father had been alive, he hadn't experienced it often. He felt hopeful.

He didn't know what the future would bring. Perhaps Merlin and Morgana would have children that would run around the halls of the castle one day. Perhaps Arthur would find love one day and have a child to call his own. Perhaps his people would come to see magic the way he saw it – as a force for good, not evil.

He wasn't sure what the future would bring, but for the first time he had reason to look forward to it.


End file.
